


deal my soul | bokuaka (angel/devil! au)

by peachsorrows



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou Friendship, Akaashi Keiji-centric, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou-centric, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angel Akaashi Keiji, Angel/Human Relationships, Angst, Bad Ending, Best Friends, Bullying, Car Accidents, Character Death, Child Death, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Dark Character, Dark Past, Death, Death Threats, Family Issues, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Akaashi Keiji, Mentioned Bokuto Koutarou, Mentioned Sugawara Koushi, Mentioned Yamaguchi Tadashi, Mommy Issues, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, One-Sided Attraction, POV Akaashi Keiji, Past Character Death, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide, Trauma, angel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23768335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsorrows/pseuds/peachsorrows
Summary: akaashi keiji is a newly turned Fallen Angel. having completed his mission with ease, he has no desire to return to Earth as a human once again, even though it is the only way he knows will save his life. the day he decided he wanted to die, he meant it. committing suicide, he claimed, was the best decision he had made during the entirety of his human existence. love does not exist. he found that out the hard way. and even knowing that, even repeatedly trying to convince himself of such a stance, he still roams the Earth, observing bokuto kōtarō, the man who saved him as much as he had hurt him. akaashi is lonely, but he'd rather die alone than die again in the real world.one day, a mysterious being appears to akaashi, promising hopes of love and wishes being granted. when akaashi strongly refuses, the being threatens akaashi with a truth; one that may destroy bokuto's future, and can only be saved by the termination of akaashi's soul. what will akaashi choose to do?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 42
Kudos: 84





	1. allegiance and the pledge

**[ Cloud 9 Vicinity ]**  
Oikawa Tōru - 21 human years, 11 angel years.  
Cause of death: Drowned  
Mission: Incomplete (Not yet received)  
Humanity level: 49%  
Status: Angel

Sugawara Kōshi - 22 human years, 17 angel years.  
Cause of death: Physical Abuse  
Mission: Completed.  
Humanity level: 86%  
Status: Angel

Kuroo Tetsurō - 23 human years, 15 angel years.  
Cause of death: Car accident  
Mission: Completed  
Humanity level: 73%  
Status: Fallen Angel

Yamaguchi Tadashi - 19 human years, 6 angel years.  
Cause of death: Poisoned  
Mission: Incomplete  
Humanity level: 89%  
Status: Angel

Akaashi Keiji - 20 human years, 5 angel years.  
Cause of death: Suicide  
Mission: Completed  
Humanity level: 65%  
Status: Fallen Angel

Semi Eita - 23 human years, 15 angel years.  
Cause of death: Murdered  
Mission: Completed  
Humanity level: 79%  
Status: Angel

External  
Iwaizumi Hajime - 21 human years.  
Humanity level: 70%  
Status: Human  
He - Almighty Deity, Celestial Being, Omniscient Figure. True identity unknown.  
He gives out missions, watches over human beings and angels, judges all living beings.

Kozume Kenma - 20 human years.  
Humanity level: 88%  
Status: Human

Kageyama Tobio - 19 human years.  
(Former) Cause of death: Suicide  
Mission: Completed  
Humanity level: 98%  
Status: Human. (Former Angel)

Miya Atsumu - 22 human years.  
Cause of death: Execution  
Humanity level: 0%  
Status: Devil

Terushima Yūji - 22 human years.  
Cause of death: Starvation while imprisoned  
Humanity level: 0%  
Status: Devil

Sakusa Kiyoomi - 20 human years.  
Cause of death: Lower Respiratory Infection  
Humanity level: 0%  
Status: Devil

**[ THE PLEDGE ]**  
Angels are trapped souls who do not die in peace. They are given a home in The Above, and are given a mission to complete by He. Once they complete that mission, they are then allowed to return to earth as a human. However, there is one rule: Angels are not allowed to reveal their identity to mortals. Once exposing their identity, they are then classified as ‘Fallen Angels’ and are given exactly 60 days to find true love on earth; the kiss of their loved one will seal their fate and turn them human. The failure of this task will result in the Angel falling down to the pits of hell, where their soul will forever burn in the darkest scorching depths of nothingness.


	2. chapter 1

Akaashi Keiji sighed as he watched the humans from his perch on the top of a two-story tall building. He had just completed his mission, though it gave him no satisfaction. He had no connection or interaction with the old middle-aged man whom he helped to reunite with his long lost daughter, and he did not feel any sort of satisfactory gratification in doing so. Akaashi had no wish to return to the Earth. Absolutely none. At all.

“After what happened?” The black-haired angel snorted, rolling his eyes, “Please. I’d rather fall down to the pits of hell.”

He swung his lean legs over the edge of the building, swinging them lightly as he gazed down at the busy road beneath him. 

“I wish I could’ve just died right there and then instead of becoming an angel,” Akaashi grumbled, fidgeting with his fingers, “I don’t want to return to Earth, and I don’t want to help others.”

“Akaashi-chan, if you keep running your mouth like this something bad will happen!” 

Akaashi turned around to see a familiar silver-haired angel standing behind him; one of his closer friends in the Cloud 9 Vicinity, Sugawara Kōshi. 

Narrowing his eyes, the black-haired angel turned back around as he sighed.

“I am not grateful for this opportunity to live again, Sugawara-san,” Akaashi said firmly, his voice laced with a rather cold edge, “My life on Earth was terrible, why would I wish to help foolish mortals in achieving their own happiness when I myself was not provided with any?”

The silver-haired angel frowned, taking a seat besides Akaashi and swinging his legs over the edge of the building.

“Akaashi, I’m sure there was at least something...or rather someone who made you happy during your time on Earth. Why not think about that?”

Akaashi bit his lip and turned to glare at the silver-haired angel, “The one person who made me happy eventually left me anyways. He deceived me.”

Turning his gaze back to the road below him, the black-haired angel narrowed his steel blue eyes. “Why do mortals trust one another, only to break when the people whom they care about lie and betray them? It is simply a waste of time. Investing emotion and time into others will simply go to squander.”

Sugawara sighed, a wave of pity washing over him as he gazed at Akaashi.

“You have to return to Earth someday, Akaashi.”

Wordlessly, the silver-haired angel stood up and unfurled his wings, before taking off into the sky. 

Akaashi did not turn his head to watch Sugawara’s departure, but instead reached behind himself to pull out his Attachment. The steel dog muzzle was still as silver as ever in color, and Akaashi gingerly brushed a thin, lean finger over the cool metal. 

_ Even this is not enough to make me feel something.  _

The black-haired angel chuckled bitterly, placing the Attachment next to him.

_ After all, who would feel anything at all after such a traumatic time as a human? _

He traced the veins on his forearm with his right hand slowly, looking down at the pale, almost white skin. Akaashi had never been someone with a particularly large build on Earth, nor was he ever particularly healthy. His physical appearance as a human had seemingly carried over to his angel form.

_ I’ve always hated my appearance, but He just had to perfectly replicate every single fucking aspect of me to this form. _

Rolling his eyes, the black-haired angel grabbed the Attachment and secured it around his face, fastening the straps around the back of his neck.

_ It’s getting late. I suppose I should return soon. _

Unfurling his wings, he dove off the edge of the building with an air of ease.

Behind him, near the entrance to the top floor of the building in the darkness of the slightly opened door, lurked a pair of amber eyes that had been watching him from a distance. Once Akaashi had left, the being opened the door and stepped out, walking slowly over to the edge of the building to check that the black-haired angel had left.

“Well, well, well.” The being smirked, its amber eyes flickering with interest, “Looks like we’ve found just the angel we need.”

Akaashi walked along the side of the pavement as he made his way to his final destination before the return to The Above. It was a location he was familiar with; a place he always visited whenever he had the time to on Earth. He looked up at the building in which he had stopped before, taking in the familiarity of it. The white paint that coated the building was as blinding as it has always been, and the black-haired angel took a deep sigh before walking into the hospital.

As per usual, not a single person turned their head to notice him. After all, he was an angel. He made his way up to the third floor, turning left at the first hallway and then turning right again to arrive at a hospital room. The plague read the words ‘room 125’, letters and numbers that had been engraved into Akaashi’s mind. He slowly entered the room, watching the person lying inside the hospital bed with a rather watchful gaze. 

_ Of course. He’s in the same state as he’s been for the past 185 days.  _

The black-haired angel narrowed his eyes, biting his lip thoughtfully.

_ Why am I even counting the days? I’m a fool. _

His eyes were tinged with sadness, the steel blue orbs illuminated in the darkening sunlight cast into the white hospital room.

Suddenly, a man stepped into the hospital room, followed by the patient’s mother. 

Akaashi cocked an eyebrow; he recognized the man to be the regular doctor.

“How is he, doctor?” The mother asked worriedly, walking over to look down at her son.

“I’m sorry ma'am...it’s been more than half a year. I know that I’m just repeating myself, but it would be best to prepare yourself for the worst-”

“Stop it,” The woman said abruptly, her voice trembling as she reached down to grab the patient’s hand gently, “He’s strong. He’ll wake up eventually.”

The doctor was silent for a moment, before clearing his throat to catch the woman’s attention. 

“The swelling in his brain has not decreased by much. It is highly unlikely that he will come out of the coma anytime soon.”

The woman didn’t reply, but squeezed the patient’s hand tighter.

“Kōtarō...please wake up. I miss you. Your family misses you. Your friends too.”

Large fat teardrops started to roll down the woman’s face as she inhaled deeply.

The doctor and the mother exchanged a few more brief words, before both turned to leave. The hospital door slid shut with a click, and Akaashi pushed himself off of the wall that he had been leaning against. The black-haired angel made his way over to the hospital bed, peering down to look at the man.

“Bokuto-san...it’s been so long. Why haven’t you woken up yet?” Akaashi murmured, his voice soft and smooth as he leaned down so that he was only a few inches away from Bokuto’s face.

There was no reply except for the rise and fall of Bokuto’s chest, and Akaashi sighed.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi sighed, leaning down to gently brush a hand against Bokuto’s cheek, “But seeing you in this condition is something that I’ll never be able to bear.”

Not being able to steady himself any longer, Akaashi averted his gaze to the bedside table. There was but a vase of almost fully wilted flowers, probably from Bokuto’s mother.

_ What a contrast to the first few days you spent here. The room was practically overflowing with flowers and gifts. _

Turning back to look at Bokuto, Akaashi sighed again.

_ Even after you treated me so...even after everything, I can’t help but care for you. It’s irritating. _

Suddenly, Akaashi noticed a small twitch in Bokuto’s eyelids. 

Jumping back, the black-haired angel backed away from the hospital bed in surprise.

Ever so slowly, Bokuto’s eyelids started to open, revealing his golden speckled irises. 

Akaashi was breathing heavily in shock, his angel wings trembling on his back.

_ No...it couldn’t be...? _

The eyes opened fully, and fixed their gaze on Akaashi.

For a split second, Akaashi found himself being drawn into the sharp look of Bokuto’s intensely glimmering eyes that seemed to have as much energy and life as they had before the accident.

Then it hit Akaashi.

_ He can see me? _

Swiftly, Akaashi turned to exit the hospital room, not turning back once as he left the building.

_ I should not meddle with the affairs of humans any longer. I’ve already done enough. _

The black-haired angel gritted his teeth as he launched himself into the sky and made his way towards the Cloud 9 Vicinity headquarters.

_ My life as a human ended a long time ago. _


	3. chapter 2

_ Brushing his dirt-caked hands against the thin fabric of his shirt, Akaashi stood up slowly. This was a normal occurrence for him. He would walk to the convenience store, grab what he needed for the week, and return to his home beaten, or bruised, the insults and stinging words of the other kids in the neighborhood like fresh-cut bruises on his skin. They always pushed him around, taking advantage of his somewhat quiet, meek personality and his frail and thin structure. He didn’t really mind their physical attacks; it was more so their words that hurt. _

__

_ For a few months now, Akaashi had been living alone. After his father died, Akaashi’s mother remarried and moved to Chūbu region, out of the Kant _ _ ō region where Akaashi resided. Akaashi already knew that his mother and father were to divorce a year ago, and Akaashi was to stay with his father in the Kantō region. However, when Akaashi’s father passed away from a heart attack, Akaashi’s mother was quick to take action. She had made it clear to Akaashi that she no longer wanted any part in his life, although she would still send him money every month to support him. Although she never told Akaashi the reason why she married, moved out, and no longer wanted to be part of his life, he already knew. It was because he was gay. _

_ When he told his parents, his mother was quick to disapprove. She was a very traditional woman, who was extremely selfish and conceited. She already had very little interest in caring for her only child to begin with, and she was purely disgusted at the news. Akaashi’s father on the other hand, was supportive and sincere. Akaashi thought that even though his mother had no intention whatsoever of even beginning to try and understand him, at least he had his father. But after his father died, he felt more alone than ever. After all, living alone, learning to cook your own meals and clean the house at the age of eight could be considered quite overwhelming.  _

_ News spread quickly in Akaashi’s small neighbourhood, of his mother leaving him to fend for himself because of his sexuality. Akaashi suspected that his mother had told some of her friends within the neighbourhood of her reasons for leaving before she left, and her friends decided to spread the news shortly after her departure. A part of Akaashi believed that his mother had deliberately told her friends in order to cause more misery and hardship for him, but he tried to believe that somehow, some tiny tiny part of her still had some sense of good morale. After all, she still agreed to send him money every month, did she not? _

_ Nevertheless, he was quite lonely. Although he had already grown to be quite independent at a young age, there was no one in particular to talk to, as he had no friends. School was miserable because no one talked to him there either; and he didn’t go out of his own way to talk to others. Sighing, Akaashi made his way back home, ignoring the sharp pain on his side that only seemed to grow stronger and stronger with each step.  _

_ “It’s okay,” Akaashi said to himself, gritting his teeth through the pain, “I’m almost home.”  _

_ Nearing his house, Akaashi breathed a sigh of relief.  _

_ “Hey! You!” _

_ Startled, Akaashi almost dropped his shopping bag in surprise.  _

_ “Oh no...not another bully.” He groaned, slowly turning around. _

_ To his surprise, the boy standing behind him greeted him with a huge grin (and not the jeering type). _

_ “Akaashi-san! It’s nice to meet you!” The boy said loudly, reaching out his hand for a handshake. _

_ Still mildly shocked, Akaashi opened his mouth to ask the boy’s name, when the boy gasped. _

_ “Your hand! It’s all scraped and covered in dirt!” _

_ Before Akaashi could respond, the boy took him by the arm and dragged him in the direction of the house next to Akaashi’s. _

_ “Wha-where are we going?” Akaashi asked, panicking slightly. _

_ “To my house!” _

_ “His house?” Akaashi thought, looking at the house next to is. “Now that I think about it...new neighbours did move into the house next to mine...I guess I didn’t really think about it much?” _

_ “Nevermind that, why are you taking me to your house?” Akaashi demanded, struggling slightly to get out of the boy’s grip, but failing miserably. _

_ “Why?” The boy stopped suddenly to look at Akaashi with a rather frazzled expression, “Because you’re hurt of course. And you look like you’re in pain. So I want to help you!”  _

_ Not knowing how to respond, Akaashi let the boy lead him into the living room of his house and sit him down on a nearby chair. _

_ “Wait here while I go look for bandages, okay? I’ll be right back.” _

_ The boy dashed off in an energetic flurry, leaving Akaashi more confused than ever. _

_ “Why am I here?” Akaashi asked to no one in particular, looking around the house. It seemed like a cozy place to be, with warm air and furry rugs. It was January and Akaashi only had straw mat floors in his house and no heater or properly functioning household object that radiated heat.  _

_ The boy returned quickly, holding a bandages, ointments, and other first aid equipment. _

_ “Ah! It’s fine, it’s nothing! You didn’t have to get all of this out for me…” Akaashi protested. _

_ “But you’re in pain, aren’t you?” The boy replied, frowning slightly as he unwrapped the cloth bandages. “And you looked like your side was hurting badly?” _

_ Akaashi was surprised that the boy had noticed; he was pretty sure that he was quite unreadable.  _

_ He watched in silence as the boy took one of his hands gently and applied ointment onto the fresh scratches and cuts.  _

_ “Um...excuse me…” _

_ “Yes, Akaashi-san?” The boy replied as he met Akaashi’s wary glance with a bright, enthusiastic one.  _

_ “May I ask what your name is?” Akaashi said quietly, averting the boy’s gaze. _

_ “I’m Bokuto! Bokuto Kōtarō!” The boy said, smiling widely, “And you’re Akaashi Keiji, right?” _

_ “You know my first name…?” Akaashi inquired, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.  _

_ “Of course! Everyone knows your name around the neighbourhood!” _

_ “Ah...so he’s heard about the rumors…” Akaashi thought, drooping his head slightly.  _

_ “Why are you helping me, Bokuto-san?” The black-haired boy said quietly, looking down at his legs, “Aren’t you afraid? Or disgusted? Just like the others?” _

_ Bokuto cocked his head slightly, “What’s that supposed to mean?” _

_ Akaashi looked up, coming face to face with Bokuto’s smoldering golden irises.  _

_ “Uh...I…” Akaashi stammered, caught off guard.  _

_ “Because you’re gay?” Bokuto asked, looking down at Akaashi’s hands as he wrapped the white cloth bandages around his hands.  _

_ Akaashi didn’t reply, only hanging his head as he refused to meet Bokuto’s intense gaze again.  _

_ “What’s wrong with being gay?”  _

_ Akaashi lifted his head to face Bokuto, who yet again, looked genuinely baffled.  _

_ “But…” Akaashi trailed off, not having any sort of coherent response.  _

_ “There’s nothing wrong with it. You can’t change who you are, right? And who cares who you like? No matter who you love in the future, you should love that person with all your heart right? I’m done wrapping your hands, by the way.”  _

_ Bokuto smiled reassuringly, a gentle, understanding smile, as he patted Akaashi on the head.  _

_ “I’m not scared or grossed out, Akaashi-san! So you shouldn’t be either, otherwise we can’t be friends that way! We have to like and dislike the same things, after all.” _


	4. chapter 3

Akaashi watched the old middle-aged man whom he had been assigned to cater for in his mission with a bored expression. He had decided to visit Earth again just to double check that he had completed his mission and that he had not flown off to quickly. Although he did not care much about whether he had completed it, he also had no better tasks to do up in the Above. Realizing that he had already managed to bore himself to death, Akaashi decided that it was time to return. Normally, he would visit the hospital to check on Bokuto, but after yesterday’s incredibly unexpected events, he had decided against it. Something about seeing Bokuto’s golden eyes seem to focus on Akaashi when the black-haired angel should’ve been seemingly invisible was unsettling. 

_ It was almost as if he could see me. _

Shaking his head, Akaashi started to make his way away from the old man’s house and into the bustling city. 

_ I have nothing else to do. Perhaps I could walk around for a while. _

Akaashi almost snorted at himself.

_ Walk around? Am I some sort of measly human again? _

Still, the black-haired angel made his way around the city and a slow pace, unfastening his Attachment and letting it hang from his hand limply. He passed various familiar shops that he had already passed when he was first finding the old man’s house, and he paid no attention to them. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted something quite peculiar; there was a dark alleyway to his right that hadn’t seemed to be there before.

“That’s odd,” Akaashi murmured to himself, raising an eyebrow, “I’ve been here many times...how was it not possible that I did not notice this alleyway?”

Shrugging to himself, Akaashi stepped into the dark alleyway without a single trace of caution. Almost instantaneously, the sky above seemed to darken, and a cold wind blew past the black-haired angel. 

Surprised, Akaashi turned around to catch a glimpse of the entrance in which he had stepped foot into, which had now turned into a wall.

“What?” Akaashi gasped, walking towards the wall and brushing a hand over it.

_ Impossible! How could this happen?  _

He spun around, noticing that the opposite entrance to the alleyway had also been blocked by a wall.

_ What trickery is this? A trap? A prank? No...this is definitely not the work of humans. They are not intelligent enough to pull off something as bizarre as this...nor can they see angels. Then who...or rather, what? _

Before he could let panic set in, Akaashi suddenly remembered.

“I have nothing to lose,” The black-haired angel said out loud, somewhat dully. “Even if I die here...or I’m trapped in here forever...I will have had no regrets.”

His voice echoed within the walls of the enclosed alleyway, and he sighed, placing a hand on the cold dark material of the wall. 

_ Still...I should try and find a way out of here. I’d like to be able to at least die somewhere more comfortable. _

Akaashi looked upwards at the strangely darkened sky, and almost smacked himself.

_ I’m an idiot! I could just fly out of here! _

“So we finally meet, Akaashi Keiji.”

Startled, Akaashi snapped his head around to see what looked like a human wearing a black suit.

_ Where did he come from? _

Akaashi didn’t reply, narrowing his eyes at the man. 

_ He can see me? _

Something about the man was mysteriously off putting. Not many humans wore black suits with black shirts accompanied by black ties. Nor did they have red irises. 

The man had blonde, slicked back hair, and a black undercut. He also had an incredibly condescending and demeaning sneer plastered across his face which unnerved Akaashi greatly.

“You’re Akaashi Keiji, right? Or do I have the wrong person?” The man repeated, smiling wider still.

“Who are you?” Akaashi asked skeptically as he glared at the man. “How can you see me?”

The man laughed, extending his hand for Akaashi to shake. “Miya Atsumu. You may call me Atsumu, if you’d like.”

Akaashi looked straight into the man’s eyes, keeping his hand stiffly stuck to his side. “You didn’t answer my second question. How can you see me?”

“Is that what you’re most curious about?” Miya smirked, crossing his arms. “Not the fact that you’re stuck in an alleyway?”

_ I could just fly up into the sky, fucking jackass. What do humans know anyways? _

“Answer the freaking question.” Akaashi sneered back, his steel-blue eyes glinting with ferocity. “Or so help me God, you’ll be sorry.”

“Easy there, Keiji. I’m just looking to make a promising friendship that will benefit the both of us.” Miya said, putting his hands up. 

“Friendship? With a mortal?” Akaashi snorted.

“I never said I was a mortal.” Miya replied smiling, and Akaashi gasped.

_ Not a mortal? Then...another angel? No, that’s not possible...he doesn’t even have wings. Wait...it couldn’t be… _

Miya chuckled, letting out a sigh, “So it seems that you’ve come to the conclusion on what I am. You are quite intelligent after all.”

_ Impossible. _

Akaashi looked into Miya’s glinting red orbs and shuddered.

_ A devil. _

  
  


_ “Akaashi, you should stay with me and my parents for a while! We’d be more than happy to have you over!” _

_ It was Bokuto during lunchtime at school. Akaashi had been sitting in his chair, eating the onigiri he had bought at the convenience store in the morning. Drowned in his own thoughts, he hadn’t noticed the lively Bokuto approach him while he was in a trance. _

_ “Hmm? No...it’s alright, Bokuto-san...I’d only be burdening you and your family.” The black-haired boy replied, smiling slightly. _

_ “Ehh? But it’ll be fun! And you’re not burdening us! Besides, I already asked my mom and she said yes! Come on...it’ll be fun!”  _

_ Akaashi shoved the last piece of his onigiri into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. It was true that he had been quite lonely for the past four months since his mother left him, and he could do with an actual proper hot fresh meal for dinner for once. But at the same time, Akaashi knew that he would burden others, even though his friend Bokuto said that he wouldn’t.  _

_ “I’ll ask her to make onigiri if you want!” Bokuto pleaded, giving Akaashi the best puppy eyes he could. “Please please please please!” _ _   
_ _ “Alright.” Akaashi smiled, genuinely this time, as he crumpled his wrapper into a small ball. “Thanks for the invitation, Bokuto-san.” _

_ “This isn’t something you should thank me for, Akaashi!” Bokuto laughed, nudging the other kid.  _

_ After class resumed, Akaashi realized how considerate Bokuto had been. Instead of mentioning that Akaashi had no parents and pitying him, Bokuto had instead persuaded Akaashi by saying that his mom had already approved.  _

_ Akaashi smiled to himself and gazed out the window. He had not known that such a simpleton idiot could be kind and caring all the while still being himself. _


	5. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "angels are heavenly beings. they are the lucky ones who get a chance at redemption, another chance to direct themselves in the right course. devils are good-for-nothing troublemakers. they are the unlucky ones who remain evil to the ends of their days; the only survive to tarnish the good on Earth. devils are dangerous creatures; intelligent and scheming, manipulative and cunning, they eagerly snatch away any opportunity they have to devour souls, even those of angels. their existence in our present-day is rare, but some still roam the depths of Hell, even going as far as to take the form of a human to lure others right into their bared fangs."

“You’re a devil.” Akaashi said slowly, enunciating every syllable and letting it roll off his tongue. 

“That’s right,” Miya smirked, crossing his arms and shrugging, “Though you and I both know that’s quite a harsh term for such harmless beings.”

“I see that you live up to your name for being such an effortless liar.” Akaashi retorted, scowling. “You can’t trick me. I know exactly what you devils do.”

“Oh?” Miya replied, calmly leaning against the nearest wall. 

“You’re scheming and manipulative. You hurt others for your own sake.” The black-haired angel spat, narrowing his eyes, “You devour the souls of others.”

“My friend, that’s not even half correct.” Miya laughed, “It is true that we...how do I say this...consume the souls of mortals, but we’re not as devious as you make us seem. We only wish to help others achieve happiness...with a small price to pay.”

“Ah, I forgot to mention that devils are extremely good sweet talkers.” Akaashi said snarkily in reply, “What do you want with me, anyways?”

“I only wish to help you, Akaashi Keiji.” Miya shrugged, smiling.

“Cut the shit,” The black-haired angel said coldly, his blue irises narrowing, “What do you really want?”

Miya smiled, shrugging. “The question is, what do you want, Keiji-kun?”

“This is ridiculous,” Akaashi murmured, spreading his wings and flapping them ferociously, “If you have nothing better to say, then I’m leaving. You’re a waste of time.”

“Now now, it would be such a shame to end the start of a pleasant friendship.” Miya’s snarky voice sounded through the alleyway, and Akaashi felt his patience shorten.

“Say, Keiji-kun, do you perhaps know...a certain Bokuto-kun?”

Akaashi felt his breath hitch in his throat.

There was a moment of silence between the two beings before Akaashi turned back around slowly to face the smug looking devil.

“What do you know about Bokuto-san?” Akaashi said slowly with an edging suspicion.

“I know that you loved him,” Miya replied, his smirk dropping to somewhat of a pitiful frown, “Or perhaps...still do?”

Shocked, Akaashi stepped back. 

_ How does he know…? I’ve never even met him…? _

“Speechless?” Miya asked, his red eyes glinting in the dim red streetlights of the alleyway, “Silence means you’re willing to hear me out?”

A few more seconds of silence passed, and Miya chuckled, crossing his arms and leaning against the cold stonewall of the alleyway.

“You see, Keiji-kun, I know all about your friend Bokuto.”

“Were you the one-”

“No. I didn’t cause the car accident,” The blonde-haired devil cut off, narrowing his eyes slightly, “I’m not that rotten.”

_ Oh, please. _

“What do you know about him?” The black-haired angel growled, “Are you going to hurt him?”

“Quite the contrary,” Miya replied, the devilish grin returning to his face, “I want to help him. Bokuto-kun has been in a coma for about half a year, am I correct?” 

Akaashi didn’t reply, but nodded slowly.

“He’s going to die eventually.”

A sudden hollow feeling resounded in the pit of Akaashi’s stomach. 

_ He’s going to die? _

“You’re lying.” Akaashi stammered, his eyes widening.

Miya shrugged. “You may have heard terrible things about devils. Have you heard that they can see the future of humans, whereas angels cannot?”

“You’re lying. You’re lying!” Akaashi yelled, his steel-blue orbs turned jet-black with horror and disbelief. 

“Would you rather choose to believe me or would you rather choose to see your Bokuto-kun die and regret not doing anything to stop his imminent fate?” Miya whispered, walking closer to Akaashi and extending a hand towards the trembling figure of the black-haired angel, “If you trust me, I can help you.” 

Akaashi looked from the outstretched hand of Miya to his glowing red irises. 

_ How can I trust a devil? _

“There’s a price I have to pay, isn’t there?”

The blonde-haired devil smiled, “Of course.”

“What would be the price?” Akaashi asked. 

“Your soul, of course.”

_ I knew it. _

“You were just after my soul the whole time,” Akaashi snarled, slapping Miya’s hand away, “Bokuto-san’s not in danger. You’re just a hungry desperate little scavenger looking for souls to snatch.”

“Keiji-,” Miya started.

“No. You can’t fool me. You may fool others, but I have been through far more than you will or ever have.” The black-haired angel snapped squarely, baring his teeth slightly. 

Suddenly, Akaashi felt a cold hand roughly grip his shoulder.

“Oh Akaashi,” Miya laughed coldly, tightening his grip, “Nobody, and I repeat, nobody, has ever gone through more than what I have.” 

A blistering cold panic spread through Akaashi's veins as though someone had just injected them with ice.

_ I can’t look away. His eyes…! _

Shaking his head, Akaashi wrenched himself free of Miya’s tight grasp, unfurling his wings and striking the devil with a rough punch to the face. 

“Don’t touch me, you impure vile bastard. Stay away from Bokuto-san, or I will make you relive falling down to Hell all over again.”

With that, Akaashi ascended towards the Above with a strong flap of his wings, creating a powerful wind with his take off.

“My offer still stands, Keiji-kun! I’m here if you ever want to reconsider!”

The illusion of the blocked off walls of the alleyway disappeared as the black-haired angel flew further up into the clouds.

Miya sighed as he wiped the blood away from his mouth.

“Damn Atsumu, he really got you.” sneered a voice from behind a wall, to which the blonde-haired devil rolled his eyes.

“You idiots were watching the whole time?” 

Two figures slinked out from the shadows, both dressed in the same entirely black-clothes as Miya. 

“I almost let out a giggle when that Akaashi punched you in the mouth. I’ve never seen an angel with such spirit before! Most of them are just boring old precious little things.” said one of the figures who had a blonde-undercut and a tongue piercing. 

“Shut up  Yūji. I’m sure you wouldn’t even be able to convince a stubborn little shit like Akaashi.” Miya snapped, to which the third figure nodded his agreement.

“It’s true. You’re pretty much the most useless out of the three of us.”

“You’re not much better, Kiyoomi,” Terushima snapped, crossing his arms, “At least I get women to do my bidding. All you do is walk around with that stupid surgical mask convincing people that they’re infected by some sort of non-curable disease.”

Sakusa shrugged, and tapped Miya on the shoulder, “Do you think he’ll come back?”

Miya smirked, rubbing underneath his chin, “Of course. No being, no matter devil, angel, or mortal, will be able to bear the weight of not helping to stop the death of a loved one.”

The blonde-haired angel turned around, straightening his tie. “I was telling the truth, after all.”


	6. chapter 5

Akaashi tapped his slim fingers on the white glass material of the table that he was sitting at.

_ Bokuto-san? Die? No...that’s not possible. I saw him open his eyes! _

_ “I know that you loved him...or perhaps...still do?” _

_ “He’s going to die eventually.” _

_ “Would you rather choose to believe me or would you rather choose to see your Bokuto-kun die and regret not doing anything to stop his imminent fate?” _

“No, no, no!” Akaashi shouted, jumping to his feet and out of the cushioned white chair.

_ It’s not true. None of it is true. Atsumu was lying. He’s trying to scare you into shortening your remaining time left! Don’t believe him. It’s not true. _

Akaashi’s steel blue orbs clouded over as he sank back into his chair.

_ But what if Atsumu’s not lying? What if Bokuto-san really is going to die? And if he did... it would be my fault… _

“Um...Akaashi-san? Akaashi-san?”

A chirpy voice sliced through the muddled fog of Akaashi’s thoughts, and the black-haired angel lifted his head slowly to face the source of the voice. Standing in front of him was none other than his ‘junior’, Yamaguchi Tadashi. 

“Oh it’s you, Tadashi,” Akaashi replied, taking a deep breath. “Can I help you?”

“Uh...not really. I was about to go stretch my wings and do a few laps around the Vicinity but I noticed you were looking a bit troubled. Just wanted to check if you were okay.”

Akaashi raised an eyebrow in surprise. He and the green-haired angel had never been particularly close to one another, neither particularly distant. They got along just fine, but they did not go out of their way to hold a conversation with one another. Then again, Akaashi rarely went out of his way to hold a conversation with anyone in the Vicinity. 

“Tadashi, do you believe in love?”

Yamaguchi tilted his head in mild confusion, before his dark green eyes lighting up, 

“Of course!”

Stunned, Akaashi leaned slightly away from the eager angel, “Why so?”

“Well, I’ve never really been in love,” Yamaguchi confessed shyly, pressing the pads of his fingers together as he spoke, “the closest I’ve come to ‘love’ is this mysterious kid who saved me from being bullied when I was a kid. We weren’t friends though...and I have no idea where he is now. But for a second I felt my heart stop...and I felt this fuzzy feeling in my chest. I feel like if someone were in love, they’d feel that all the time!”

Akaashi narrowed his eyes,  _ Is this kid insane or just purely innocent? _

“But what if the other person doesn’t love you back? Or you know they never will?” Akaashi asked. 

“Well you never know if they will,” Yamaguchi frowned, “Why would you say that?”

_ Because I know the bitter pain of unrequited love. _

Akaashi sighed, leaning back into the back post of the white velvet chair that was growing more and more uncomfortable by the second.

“Nevermind…”

“No, please do tell me what’s troubling you, Akaashi-san!” Yamaguchi begged, leaning forward, “I want to help you!”

Akaashi blinked. This might’ve been one of the very few times someone besides Kuroo or Semi had inquired about his troubles.

“...alright. But I’ll only tell you very briefly; you're still a kid, and quite a naive one at that.”

“As long it’ll help you!”

_ Does nothing faze him? _

“When I was a human, I was in love with my childhood friend-”

“Wow!”

“Please don’t interrupt, Tadashi.”

“...sorry.”

“-and I confessed to him. He didn’t share the same feelings that I had for him, and because of that, some very...negative rumours came about in my school, which led to bullying.”

“Oh...I’m sorry to hear that…”

“It’s fine. Anyways, if you were in my place, and your childhood friend whom you were in love with was about to die and you had the chance to die in his place in order for him to live...would you do it?”

“Hmm...so do you know for sure that your childhood friend’s going to die?”

“This is a hypothetical question, Tadashi. So hypothetically, no.”

“Sure, sure...well I believe that’s up for you to decide.”

“What!” Akaashi almost yelled exasperatedly, “I have, hypothetically, no idea what to do, which is why I’m asking you!”

“Well, personally, I would do it.”

“You would?” The black-haired angel responded incredulously. 

“Yeah, why not? I think if I loved someone, hypothetically, so much that I’d even consider dying in their place, wouldn’t that already mean I made my decision?”

Akaashi’s eyes widened in surprise.

There was a moment of silence between the two angels, before Yamaguchi offered somewhat of a sheepish mile. 

“Is this situation really hypothetical, Akaashi-san?”

The black-haired angel blinked.

“No.”

Yamaguchi sighed, placing a comforting hand on Akaashi’s arm, “But Akaashi, who made you such a deal in the first place?”

Akaashi paused.

_ Should I be telling Tadashi all of this…? We barely even know one another. _

Yamaguchi noticed the look of discomfort plastered across Akaashi’s face and sighed. 

“You can take all the time you need.” The green-haired angel smiled reassuringly, standing up and preparing to leave.

“Wait! Tadashi!” 

Yamaguchi turned around to face the black-haired angel, “yes?”

Akaashi swallowed hard,  _ I don’t know if telling him will make things easier for me, but it’s worth a shot. I have nothing to lose anyways. _

“A devil approached me when I was roaming around on Earth.”

“What?!” Yamaguchi screeched, sitting back down, “A what did what?”

“A devil approached me,” Akaashi said, lowering his voice slightly, “He said that my childhood friend was going to die, but if I gave him my soul then he’d live.”

“Akaashi-san...do you...do you really believe the devil?”

The black-haired angel looked down at his finger as he picked at a hangnail. 

_ Do I believe him? _ _   
_ “I don’t want to,” Akaashi admitted, looking up to face Yamaguchi, “But I don’t want my childhood friend to die because of a mere doubt I had.”   
“But Akaashi-san...the guy who approached you is a devil...your soul-”   
“I know. I’ve fallen already, and now I’ll have less remaining time. But Tadashi...I don’t want him to die.”

Yamaguchi’s green eyes had widened with sorrow, “Even though he doesn’t love you back?”

The black-haired angel’s lip trembled slightly, and his heart squeezed in his chest.

“Even if he doesn’t love me back.” Akaashi said as firmly as he could, gripping the armrest of the chair, “I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my time as an angel if I don’t do this. After all, I have nothing to lose.”

Blinking away tears that had formed in his eyes, Akaashi cleared his throat,

“I’m going to go find Atsumu again.”


	7. chapter 6

Akaashi walked down the familiar pedestrian sidewalk on Earth, looking around for the familiar alleyway that he had spent what felt like hours in a few days ago talking to a peculiar man who claimed to be a devil. 

_ This is crazy. I’ve been wandering around the same spot where I saw the alleyway for an hour. Isn’t it supposed to appear randomly or some shit? _

Scowling, the black-haired angel tucked his wings closer to his back and turned away from the bustling roadside. Much to his surprise, right behind had appeared a dark, narrow alleyway; a replica of the one he had seen the other day upon his encounter with Atsumu. 

Taking a deep breath, Akaashi closed his steel-blue eyes.

_ This is it. I’m risking everything for Bokuto-san. For his survival. _

Akaashi took a step into the alleyway. The sky turned black, and his wings brushed up against smooth, cold brick. A wall had appeared behind him, blocking the former entrance.

Taking a few steps forward cautiously, Akaashi looked around.

“Atsumu? Atsumu are you there?” Akaashi called, somewhat timidly. 

_ Is this what humiliation feels like? What an unpleasant emotion. Glad I didn’t gain back all of my humanity. _

“You’re back, Keiji-kun.” A familiar, smooth voice spoke from the shadows. Turning around, Akaashi came face to face with the familiar blonde-haired devil. 

“Your punch left quite a mark.” Atsumu quipped, his trademark smirk plastered across his face as he tapped the white bandage covering the right side of his cheek.

“Don’t devils heal really fast or something?” The black-haired angel responded, crossing his arms and taking a step back from Atsumu. 

“Unlike you pampered angels, we do not,” Atsumu replied, the slanted retort causing Akaashi’s eyes to narrow noticeably, “In fact, it takes quite a while for us to heal without proper meals.”

“And by meals, you mean souls of innocent beings?”

“Oh please, Keiji-kun,” Atsumu laughed, “Don’t act as if you like humans any more than I do.”

Akaashi dug his thumb into the crease of his elbow. He had not come to make small talk. 

“So? Aren’t you going to tell me more about Bokuto-san’s supposed ‘death’? Or were you just desperately scrambling around for scraps of gullible soul?” 

Atsumu’s smirk disappeared to be replaced with a sort of frown, “We never scramble around, unlike your kind.”

The black-haired angel tensed slightly.

The devil’s former somewhat spunky expression had been replaced with a glare sharper than flint.

_ What’s this…? _

As soon as the atmosphere had changed the threatening front that Atsumu had put up dissolved quickly to be replaced with the former sneer, “I was just joking, Keiji-kun! You should’ve seen the look on your face!”

Akaashi untensed slightly, swallowing nervously. That part of Atsumu had definitely not been a joke at all. The crimson smoldering orbs that seemed to burn into the back of his skull was certainly not something he had just imagined.

“Why don't you come sit down for a chat with me?” Atsumu asked, nodding his head towards a rusty metal door to the left of the two beings. 

“Where are you taking me?” Akaashi asked, not short of suspicion. 

“Relax, Keiji-kun, and trust me. Nothing will come of harm to you...at least, not until we sign a contract.”

With that, the blonde-haired devil opened the door, motioning for Akaashi to enter first. 

“After you.”

The door led to a metal staircase which clanged at every step, no matter how light Akaashi tried to make his steps quieter. 

“Where are you taking me?” Akaashi demanded again, growing slightly irritated.

_ For all I know, he could be taking me to some sort of angel brothel. _

Atsumu didn’t answer, but the staircase that never seemed to end eventually unravelled its way to the bottom. It seemed as though they were inside of a sort of unusual club. Dark red neon lights traced the insides of the mirror walls that were cracked and stained with what appeared to be a weird white substance. The bar stools were made of see-through acrylic that was molded in all the wrong ways. Leaning against one of the barely sturdy (or clean) metal tables were two figures, dressed entirely in black just like the blonde-haired angel.

“Ah, late introductions. Keiji-kun, these are my two right-hand men, Terushima  Yūji and Sakusa Kiyoomi.” 

The devil with blonde-undercut reached his hand out for a handshake, and Akaashi gingerly shook his hand. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Akaashi-san. Atsumu told us much about you.” Terushima said, bringing the black-haired angel’s hand up to his lips for a kiss.

Holding back a disgusted expression at the feeling of the devil’s stone-cold lips on the back of his hand, Akaashi gritted his teeth.

“The pleasure is all mine.”

_ Who knows what they’ll do to me if I don’t go along with them. _

Retracting his hand rather quickly, Akaashi looked towards the other devil who wore a white surgical mask. He did not extend his hand for a handshake, but nodded very briefly. 

“Why don’t you boys make sure none of the others enter while Keiji-kun and I have a nice conversation in the room over there?” Atsumu said with a cheery expression, but a flash of his brown eyes indicated he did not tolerate disobedience from the other two, at least not in this very moment. 

The other two devils nodded and made their way towards the stairs, and Atsumu turned back to a somewhat wary Akaashi, “Right this way. Thought we could use some privacy.”

The blonde-haired devil led Akaashi to a secluded room in the corner of the club, opening yet another door and motioning for the black-haired angel to follow him. Once inside the room, Atsumu plopped down on a rather uncomfortable looking maroon-colored sofa, beckoning Akaashi to sit on the side opposite of him. 

“Care for a Mojito?” Atsumu asked, sliding the metal tray on the table that held two cocktails towards the black-haired angel.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to refuse,” Akaashi almost snorted, looking up to glare at Atsumu, “Are you going to tell me how this all works now?”

“Cutting right to the chase, eh? What changed your mind?”

“Does that matter?” Akaashi said exasperatedly, “At least you’re getting food.”

_ I wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible. It’s giving me the creeps. Something’s not right. _

Atsumu laughed, “Humorous as you are beautiful. Very well, I’ll be concise.”

The blonde-haired angel snapped his finger, and a scroll along with a quill appeared out of midair in a puff of red smoke and landed on the table in front of the two beings. 

“You see, Keiji-kun, all it takes is your signature.”


	8. chapter 7

“There’s a contract?” Akaashi raised an eyebrow, looking towards the blonde-haired devil who looked somewhat ruffled by the black-haired angel’s remark.

“Just because we’re devils means we aren’t formal in contracts and such just like you angels are?” Atsumu scoffed, crossing a leg over the other. 

_ So he takes offense to insults aimed at his professionalism as a soul trafficker but doesn’t take offense to the fact that I punched him in the face…? _

Akaashi didn’t reply, but instead leaned over to pick up the scroll. The yellow paper of the contract felt delicate between the pads of his fingertips but uncomfortable to touch. The material felt as though it was scorching hot.

_ How extraordinarily unusual. _

“It’s not a very long contract, so don’t you worry about lengthy reading.” Atsumu said whilst Akaashi’s steel-blue eyes scanned throughout the scroll. After a few minutes, Akaashi gingerly placed the contract back down onto the table, relishing in the relief of the cool air on his fingertips.

“Well?” The blonde-haired devil queried, looking at Akaashi.

“How long will I have if I sign this?” Akaashi asked quietly.

“You’ve already become a Fallen Angel, right?”

“What?” Akaashi snapped his head up sharply, “No I haven’t.”

“Are you not?” Atsumu frowned, looking the alarmed black-haired angel up and down, “I can tell that you are.”   
“I’ve got no time for jokes, Atsumu.” Akaashi snapped, his heart racing in his chest.

_ No. It can’t be. _

“You’re a Fallen Angel if you reveal yourself to a human, right?” 

“But...But I never did-”

“You never did? Or you never did on purpose?”

_ No. It’s not possible. _

Shocked, Akaashi reached a hand up to cover his mouth in horror. 

_ Was it possible that I revealed myself to Bokuto-san subconsciously?  _

An ice-cold chill ran down the black-haired angel’s spine as he felt the rough fabric of his shirt press against the newly formed beads of sweat that were running down his back. 

“I can tell by the way you reacted to what I just said that you didn’t know you had Fallen?” Atsumu questioned, his smirk only seeming to grow larger.

Akaashi didn’t reply, staring at horror at the contract placed on the metal table in front of him, his eyes glazed and unfocused.

“That’s even more of a reason to go through with this, Keiji-kun,” Atsumu spoke again after a while, causing Akaashi to lift his head to face him, “You don’t have much time left anyways. If you sign this contract at least you can guarantee your death won’t have been in vain.”

Atsumu’s words pricked like stinging nettles against soft bare skin, but Akaashi knew he was right. 

_ There’s no way for me to turn human again. Bokuto-san didn’t and will probably never reciprocate my feelings.  _

There was another moment of silence, before Akaashi cleared his throat.

“I’ll do it.” Akaashi said, matching Atsumu’s gaze with one of his own. 

“You will?” The blonde-haired devil smiled, “That’s wonderful.”

_ Yeah, wonderful for you because you get a snack to munch on. _

The black-haired angel looked down at the contract again, trying to focus on the words that kept swimming on the page due to his unfocused eyes. 

He blankly made out a few phrases and words that popped out to him;  _ ‘30 days’ _ , _ ‘Death’ _ , _ ‘No withdrawal of agreement’ _ , etc.

Atsumu silently slid the quill and an ink bottle towards Akaashi, nodding for him to sign.

His hand shaking, Akaashi took the black quill and dipped it into the bottle of ink, watching as the tip of it hit the goopy dark liquid.

_ This is it. I’ll die in a month. _

Pressing the quill down on the paper, Akaashi watched the ink spread across the delicate scroll.

_ I have no regrets. _

The black-haired angel signed his signature as quickly as possible, gritting his teeth to try and blank out his thoughts. As soon as the quill was lifted from the paper, the contract, quill, and ink bottle vanished.

For the first time, Akaashi saw genuine emotion in Atsumu’s eyes as the blonde-haired devil’s red orbs lit up in devious delight. 

“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.” Atsumu said, standing up and offering his hand to Akaashi. Although his voice remained as levelled as it had always been, Akaashi could tell that Atsumu was bursting with excitement.

Slowly, Akaashi extended his hand to take the blonde-haired devil’s. Immediately, Akaashi felt his body weaken upon brushing his thumb against the back of Atsumu’s hand, and it seemed as though his red orbs glowed brighter in the darkness of the room. Withdrawing his hand, Akaashi slumped down onto the couch, his breathing heavy.

“Oh...my apologies, I simply couldn’t help myself...the taste of your soul is so delectable.” Atsumu spoke, the glare of his red eyes burning into the back of Akaashi's scalp. 

Akaashi stood up weakly, placing his hand on the wall to steady himself. 

“You may exit now. I’ll be here if you have questions of any sort.” Atsumu said, much more cheerful than he was initially, and Akaashi left the room.

Although his mind was foggy and his steps were drastically slowed, one clear thought rung through his head.

_ This is all for Bokuto-san.  _

Room 125. The hospital. Akaashi sat on the familiar dark green chair in the corner of the room and stared at the figure in the hospital bed. The only noises were the heartbeat monitor that was beeping steadily and the sound of Bokuto’s quiet breathing in the background. It was way past midnight, almost 3 am, and the moonlight shone beams of white light across the dark room. The stars in the night sky, sprinkles of salt against a shiny black table, seemed to illuminate the quiet city below them outside the large glass window.

“Bokuto-san, you could probably see me right now if you woke up,” Akaashi said softly, fiddling with the chipped wood of the chair, “Would you want to talk to me if you knew I was still somewhat alive?”

Of course, there was no response. Akaashi sighed, before leaving the room and sliding the door shut behind him. Unbeknownst to him, Bokuto had opened his eyes the instant the black-haired angel had left. 


	9. chapter 8

_"Akaashi!"_

_The black-haired boy lifted his head from its resting place on the desk. In the entrance of the classroom was none other than Bokuto, his white-gray streaked hair glistening in the rays cast by the setting sun._

_"Bokuto-san...what are you doing here?" Akaashi asked, taking his earphones out of his ears and placing them on the desk._

_"Did you forget again?" Bokuto pouted, feigning sadness, "You're coming over to sleep tonight!"_

_"Ah..." Akaashi murmured, gazing out the window. The weather had been good as summer was nearing. Wispy dollops of clouds adorned the purple and pink hues of the afternoon sky, and a peek of the sun, as yellow as egg yolk, was dipping below a tall skyscraper in the distance._

_"Were you waiting for me this whole time...Bokuto-san?" Akaashi asked, standing up slowly and tucking his earphones and mp3 player into his school jacket pocket._ _  
_ _"Yeah...I thought you might've forgotten. You've been sort of iffy lately..." Bokuto replied, tilting his head. "Anything you want to talk about?"_ _  
_ _"No, nothing in particular. I'm probably just a bit tired from studying late at night." The black-haired boy said in response, scratching the back of his head._

_"Oh...alright then. Come on, let's go; I already grabbed your shoes and bag at the entrance."_

_Akaashi followed Bokuto out of the classroom who started rambling about some new girl he had caught a glimpse of in the hallway that morning._

_The truth was, Akaashi had been 'iffy' lately. And that was because he realized that he had developed romantic feelings for Bokuto._

_For a long time, since they met at eight, Akaashi knew that deep down inside, he already had a crush on Bokuto since the moment they first met. He refused to admit it though, out of fear for his feelings taking over all coherent thoughts and ruining his close friendship with his best friend. Lately though, thoughts of Bokuto clouded his mind on a regular basis. At breakfast, in class...even at night, Akaashi could not stop thinking about Bokuto. He couldn't help but wonder how his best friend's large hands, calloused but smooth from playing volleyball, would feel in his, which were in contrast, rather small and delicate. He wondered how it would feel to rest his head on Bokuto's broad, broad shoulder. Sometimes, Akaashi even imagined himself kissing him. Truthfully, he was rather upset about his feelings for Bokuto out of fear for ruining the only good aspect of his life. He had been attempting to avoid Bokuto, coming to the conclusion that the only solution was to make his feelings for his best friend disappear. However, Bokuto was still as active and friendly as ever, and Akaashi could not bring himself to turn the eager boy down every time he offered Akaashi to sleep over at his house or for the two to go to a coffee shop._

_"This will not do," Akaashi thought as the two made their way to the lockers, "I must distance myself. After all, he definitely doesn't feel the same way I feel about him."_

_Akaashi turned to the right for what only could've been the five-hundredth time that night. The spring air was hot, and the blanket that covered his entire body was far too thick for Akaashi to sleep comfortably. He looked over at the clock lit up by beams of moonlight. 2:43 A.M._

_"Only?" Akaashi thought exasperatedly, closing his eyes and willing himself to calm down and sleep._

_Yet again, late-night thoughts of Bokuto had wormed their way into his mind, and with the latter sleeping right next to him, the thoughts were even more evident in their impossible nature. Akaashi glanced at Bokuto, who was flat on his back. He steadied the rise and fall of his chest and the surprisingly very quiet snores that came from the gray-and-white haired boy. Bokuto's hair was completely flat, rid of the hair gel that he rigorously used to mold his hair for school, and in the pale moonlight, it looked softer than down feathers and fluffier than an Angora rabbit's pelt._

_His heart racing, Akaashi gingerly reached out a hand from under the covers. He extended it slowly, desperately wanting to run his fingers through Bokuto's hair at that moment._

_Bokuto rolled over so that he was facing Akaashi, still gently snoring, and the black-haired boy gasped._

_"What am I thinking?" He thought, withdrawing his hand quickly and gripping the edge of his shirt tightly._

_His heartbeat slowing, Akaashi looked at his best friend's face. He had memorized the position of every streak of white hair that fell on Bokuto's face and had secretly fawned over his full, somewhat-chapped lips. But the physical feature that called to Akaashi the most were Bokuto's eyes. Akaashi had never seen eyes like Bokuto's; his golden orbs were speckled with flecks of hazel that shone whenever Bokuto was excited. When he was down or tired, Bokuto's aurum irises were often a dull shade of dark yellow. Such fluctuating and volatile eyes could only mean that the owner of them was worthy of such beauty; and Bokuto was, in fact, the most attractive person Akaashi had ever laid his eyes on._

_The black-haired boy released his tense grip on the edge of his shirt and placed his hand back next to his head on the soft straw mat._

_"No, I could never tell him that I'm in love with him."_

_Months passed since the sleepover incident, and since then, Akaashi had put his full effort into going out of his way to avoid Bokuto at any cost. He was determined to get rid of his feelings for Bokuto; he knew that he wouldn't be able to hold them in, and he really really wanted to tell Bokuto. But he knew that Bokuto would never reciprocate his feelings or think of Akaashi as anything but his best friend. Hell, Bokuto talked about girls all the time. It was impossible that he was anything other than plainly straight._

_Akaashi heaved a deep breath as the last lesson before lunch break came to an end. Standing up and stretching, Akaashi decided to pay a visit to the school cafeteria to buy something with the remaining money he had left for this month. Leaving the classroom, Akaashi spotted Bokuto out of the corner of his eye. To his dismay, Bokuto had also spotted him and started walking towards him._

_"Akaashi!"_

_"Shoot," Akaashi thought, turning away abruptly from the direction of the cafeteria in which Bokuto was coming from, "I can't do this right now."_

_Akaashi started walking quickly away in the direction to his right, trying not to react to Bokuto calling his name. He made a right at the end of the corridor, only to find himself at a dead end with the janitor's closet right in front of him._

_"Shit."_

_"Akaashi!" Boktuo called, turning the corner and almost running into Akaashi. "There you are!"_

_Akaashi swallowed, turning his head away as Bokuto wiped sweat from his brow._

_"Man, you walk fast! Akaashi, why have you been avoiding me? We haven't talked in weeks!"_

_"I don't know what you're talking about." The black-haired boy responded stiffly, avoiding catching Bokuto's eye._

_"The last conversation we had, I said 'hi Akaashi!' and you said 'hello, Bokuto-san' and just walked away!" Bokuto yelped._

_Akaashi didn't respond._

_"Look, Akaashi...did I do something? Did I say something to upset you?"_

_"No, it's not your fault," Akaashi thought miserably, "It's me. I'm the one who's fucked up."_

_"Akaashi, I don't want to lose you. It's only been a few months that we haven't talked, but if you keep distancing yourself from me, we're going to end up never talking again!" Bokuto exclaimed, his golden eyes dark with worry, "And I don't want that; you're my best friend."_

_Akaashi didn't respond but looked up to face Bokuto properly. He felt his heart tear a little as he saw the sad, worried expression on the normally bright and cheery boy's face._

_"This isn't fair to him," Akaashi thought, digging his nail into the pad of this thumb, "I don't want him to make that face. But I can't tell him, I-"_

_"Akaashi, please just tell me what you're hiding." Bokuto pleaded, interrupting Akaashi's thoughts, "Please tell me. I won't judge you, no matter what you say."_

_There was a moment of silence, and Akaashi felt himself trembling._

_"Maybe if I tell him...he'll be understanding. Maybe he'll forgive me...maybe he won't curse at me, or get angry, or never talk to me again." Akaashi thought._

_"Please, Akaashi?" Bokuto begged again softly, leaning his face closer to the black-haired boy's so that their faces were only inches apart._

_Akaashi gulped, a single bead of sweat running down his temple._

_Taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself, Akaashi clenched his fists._

_"Bokuto-san..."_

_"Yes? What is it, Akaashi?"_

_Akaashi closed his eyes. After a few seconds, he opened them again._

_"Bokuto-san, I'm in love with you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya! here's a somewhat more lengthy chapter as an apology for the other chapters that were very very long-winded and seemed to drag on and on. hope you're all staying safe and practicing social distancing! <3


	10. chapter 9

Akaashi dug a nail into the palm of his left hand. A week had passed since he had signed the contract to sell his soul to the devil Miya Atsumu, and admittedly, he had not been feeling great. He gripped the handle of the white porcelain teacup forcefully and bit his bottom lip; he, of course, had ultimately expected there to be tremendous pain in the whole process of his soul being entirely drained from his body, but what he had experienced so far was worse. It was not as though the intensity of pain he experienced on a regular basis was unbearable; no, it was the amount at which he withstood at a time that was truly dreadful. Everyday, the pain would increase; in small amounts yes, but the accumulation and slow increase was agonizing. The pain in his chest wasn’t sharp sudden jabs, but there was a numb, cold and strained feeling, as though he had been running nonstop for the day. He was just heaving for breath and coughing after flying to and from The Above and Earth, so for a few days he had decided to resign in the Cloud 9 Vicinity in order to preserve energy. The past few days, most of the other members apart from Yamaguchi were either away most of the time or in their rooms. Akaashi supposed that it was due to some of them still taking care of missions or spending time collecting information on their returns to Earth. Unlike himself, Sugawara and Semi had long completed their missions, only choosing to reside in the Vicinity to watch over their juniors and support them as they had no urgent need to return immediately. 

Groaning, Akaashi released his strong grip on the teacup and stared at his distorted reflection on the surface of the black coffee .

_ I need to stop stressing out. I need to conserve. _

Out of the corner of his eye, Akaashi spotted a familiar green-haired angel landing on the balcony of the building.

“Welcome back.” Akaashi murmured, turning to face the newcomer.

“Hello, Akaashi-san!” Yamaguchi chirped, making his way to the black-haired angel who was sitting on the white sofa positioned next to a rather tall but lean bookshelf.

“Where have you been, Tadashi?” Akaashi spoke, setting down the teacup on the plate.

“Uh...err...just taking a walk around on Earth.” Yamaguchi stammered, flushing slightly.

_ This kid is too easy to read. _

“Is there a mortal who caught your attention…?” Akaashi asked bluntly, fighting to keep a smile from forming on his lips.

“W-What! No, of course not! Mortals are...stupid.” Yamaguchi murmured, looking down at his feet, which caused Akaashi to laugh.

“You’re terrible at lying, which is sort of adorable.” Akaashi chuckled, patting the sofa and motioning for the green-haired angel to take a seat beside him.

Pouting, Yamaguchi took a seat, looking at Akaashi, “Was it that easy to tell I was lying…?”   
“Well first of all, out of all of us, you’ve always been the most interested in humans and their lives, so saying that ‘mortals are stupid’ is quite out of character for you.”

Yamaguchi sighed, crossing his legs, “Well what else can I do? If Kuroo-san finds out, he’s going to murder me; you know he feels about approaching humans you didn’t know previously. And don’t even get me started on how much teasing I’m going to receive from Oikawa-san.”

“That’s true. Oikawa will never shut up about this.”

“Right? Right? Only you understand me, Akaashi-san…” Yamaguchi muttered, pausing for a second. “Oh, I know! You should come with me! We can stalk...err, I mean, observe Kei together!”

“Kei?” 

“Tsukishima Kei, the mortal who caught my attention?”

“Oh…” Akaashi paused, looking at the green-haired angel who was practically shining with excitement. “Alright. But let’s fly slower, I’m very tired.”

“Oh...I completely forgot about your pains.” Yamaguchi frowned, his eyes turning large with worry, “We don’t have to go. You should be resting more if you feel weaker.”

“No, it’s fine.” Akaashi replied as cheerfully as he could muster, “If we go, it might take my mind off everything.”

“He’s interesting, right?” Yamaguchi said brightly as Akaashi raised an eyebrow. 

“Sure…”

“He is!”

“He’s so sarcastic...and he seems so cold and withdrawn…”

“But Akaashi-san...aren’t you the same?”

“...”

The two angels were leaving their perch on the roof above Tsukishima’s house and were about to leave, when suddenly, Akaashi remembered something.

“Tadashi, I have to take care of something. I’ll see you back home later.”

“Oh…? Alright.” Yamaguchi replied, watching Akaashi unfurl his wings and dive off the edge of the roof. Truthfully, Yamaguchi had suspected that Akaashi had had other things on his mind when they were watching Tsukishima, and had expected Akaashi to embark on a solo visit to Bokuto after their watchful expedition together. He had not offered to go with the black-haired angel because the somewhat desolate expression in Akaashi’s eyes spoke otherwise.

Approaching the hospital, Akaashi folded his wings as controlled as he could. To his surprise, he seemed to lose control of them for a split second, stumbling and almost falling over as he landed roughly on the pavement. Breathing heavily, the black-haired angel turned around to take a look at his wings; to his horror, the tips of the normally untouched white feathers had turned jet black, and a few had fallen off, leaving a trail behind him. 

_ I see...as my soul is being drained, I’m slowly losing the characteristics that make me an angel as well.  _

His eyebrows furrowing, Akaashi got to his feet with somewhat of a great effort and made his way into the hospital. Although he hadn’t been to the hospital for a week, he had subconsciously already memorized the way to Bokuto’s room through the winding hallways and many flights of stairs. 

_ But what if he’s awake? _

Akaashi stopped in his tracks.

_ He can see me.  _

A single bead of sweat rolled down his temple and down the side of his head.

_ I don’t even have an explanation! _

The black-haired angel swallowed, shaking his head.

_ No. He probably won’t be awake. And I have to check on him.  _

Akaashi reached the door. His hand trembled as he reached for the door handle and slid the door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is such a short and boring chapter! this was a sort of filler chapter because i'm sort of stuck on the plot right now.  
> it is worth saying though, that i probably won't be making this story too long as it is a sequel to my other book (fall for me, on wattpad, which i plan to publish here soon as well) and the sole purpose of this story is mainly to explore akaashi's side story. it's not as focused on the relationship between akaashi and bokuto, if that makes sense. this story will be very akaashi-centric, if you haven't quite noticed already.  
> anyways, i plan on writing 3-7 more chapters for this book before the ending but i haven't really decided how long i'm going to drag the plot along so i'm just going to go with the flow. there will be a pleasant surprise at the end of the book. :)


	11. chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> komachi is the first name of bokuto's mother, i decided to address her as komachi-san instead of bokuto-san to lessen up possible confusion. :))

“How is my Kōtarō-kun, doctor?” Bokuto’s mother asked as Akaashi walked into the ever-so-white hospital room and leaned against the doorframe to listen.

“This...this is very strange...but it seems as though the swelling in Kōtarō’s brain has started to go down. This is quite unusual; in all of my time as a doctor, I’ve hardly ever seen any patients even open their eyes after traumatic brain injury.” 

“D-Does that mean he’ll get better?!” Bokuto’s mother eagerly asked, causing the doctor to stumble back a few paces out of surprise, before he coughed and re-adjusted his glasses.

“Komachi-san, I’d advise you not to get your hopes up too high, and as always, prepare for the worst. However, the fact that your son has been showing mild signs of movement and has been able to keep his eyes open for quite a while is quite the miracle and quite promising in terms of recovery. If Kōtarō continues recovering at this rate-”

“That’s wonderful!” Bokuto’s mother jumped and clapped her hands together, tears forming in her eyes. At this point, even the doctor could not contain a smile.

“Come with me, Komachi-san, let me show you some x-rays-”

The doctor and Bokuto’s mother left the room, sliding the door shut behind them. The only two beings left in the room were Akaashi, who was still leaning against the doorframe, and Bokuto, whose eyes were still closed.

_ That’s a relief. So at least some of the essence of my soul is being transferred towards healing him. It’s good to know that greedy asshole Atsumu isn’t devouring all of it by himself. _

Akaashi pushed himself off the wall with one foot, slowly making his way towards the hospital bed. Each footstep he took, his wings felt heavy on his back, and he could feel at least a handful of feathers falling from them. Placing one hand on the rail of the hospital bed to stabilize himself, Akaashi stared down at the grey-and-white haired man and studied the gentle rise and fall of his chest. 

“Bokuto-san...do you remember me?” Akaashi whispered as softly as he could muster, leaning his free hand towards the soft tufts of hair on Bokuto’s forehead and brushing them aside gently with his lean fingertips. “It’s already been four years since we last talked, you and I...and even so, if you were to regain consciousness, would you even have memories of your past?”

The black-haired angel bit his lip, trailing his hand downwards so that it was cupping the side of Bokuto’s face fondly. 

“Bokuto-san...I was there when you were at my funeral,” Akaashi continued, stroking his thumb over Bokuto’s cheek. “After seeing your face, your tears...your sheer pain...that moment was the only thing I regret about my suicide. Although it was true that I suffered heavily from depression and self-harm...I had never experienced the pain of someone I had once known dying.”

_ What am I saying? _

Akaashi paused, withdrawing his hand slowly and averting his gaze to avoid tears being shed.

_ He can’t hear me. And I can’t be feeling like this. _

Much to his surprise, something had grabbed his hand. Looking down in shock, Akaashi saw that his small hand was being held by someone else’s. Tracing his eyes down his own hand and to the hand that had grabbed his, Akaashi realized that it was none other than Bokuto’s. The rough, calloused palm of the grey-and-white haired man felt somewhat familiar to him, and trembling slightly, Akaashi directed his gaze to Bokuto’s face. For a moment, it seemed as though time had stopped as the black-haired angel’s clouded steel blue eyes met the smoldering golden orbs of Bokuto’s. 

“W-What?” Akaashi stammered quietly. He felt as though his feet were planted in spot and his joints were frozen.

_ I can’t move away… _

Akaashi was entranced in Bokuto’s gaze, vividly recalling the former golden-brown irises that had caught his attention when they had first met. 

Bokuto had made no sudden movements, the steady sounds of his breath in the oxygen mask still somewhat quiet. Although he did look quite dazed and tired, the ferocity and aliveness of his eyes spoke otherwise. 

“You can actually see me?” Akaashi murmured, looking back down at Bokuto’s hand. 

There was an ever-so gentle squeeze in response, and if Akaashi’s senses weren’t so heightened, he might’ve not felt it at all. 

“You...you can hear me too?” The black-haired angel asked, to which Bokuto squeezed his hand again.

_ That’s enough for today, for the both of us. _

Gently retracting his hand, Akaashi backed away from the hospital bed and exited the room, Bokuto’s glowing eyes following his every step.

_ “I’m in love with you, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi repeated, trying desperately not to stammer when he spoke.  _

_ There was a very long pause of silence, and Bokuto flinched slightly.  _

_ Akaashi winced as he felt his heart sting.  _ _   
_ _ “It’s just as I thought,” the black-haired boy thought to himself, “He’s disgusted, isn’t he?”.  _

_ Right next to the corner in which the two had talked in, there was snickering, and Akaashi gritted his teeth. _

_ “This is just wonderful, isn’t it. Some stupid people just had to hear.” _

_ Of course, it was widely known that Akaashi was gay, and much to the black-haired boy’s surprise, it was not as big of a deal as he thought it would be. However, his problem lied in the fact that Bokuto was extremely popular; the ace of the school’s volleyball team, to be exact. In comparison, Akaashi was a dull nobody, the quiet gay kid that apparently ‘clung’ to Bokuto wherever he went (It was actually the opposite).  _

_ “Akaashi...I...” Bokuto stammered, his voice shaking slightly, and Akaashi grimaced. _

_ “Why does it hurt, even though I already knew how he would respond?” Akaashi thought as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. _

_ “Ha...well I expected you to reply like that, Bokuto-san,” The black-haired boy smiled, trying not to cry, “But it’s alright. I’ll never bother you again.” _

_ Stepping to the side of Bokuto and walking quickly down the corridor and away from his best friend, letting tears fall freely from his eyes this time. _

_ “You think you had a chance with the most-popular guy in our school?” “Man, I knew you were gay, but it’s really true about about gay dudes latching onto men like it’s nobody’s business.” “Try and get someone in your league who’s just as fucking gay and clingy as you are!”  _

_ Akaashi couldn’t help but hear the taunts and vicious words of the guys who had been eavesdropping the whole time followed by laughter.  _

_ He would never, ever speak to Bokuto again. _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god it truly pained me to write the end of this chapter. as somewhat of a very strong lgbt rights supporter i wouldn't wish this kind of bullying upon anyone! i'm heterosexual myself, but i do feel very strongly about homophobic people; in fact i feel that they should all get whacked in the shin by a baseball bat :) hope that me updating frequently is allowing for a more relaxing quarantine time! remember to practice social distancing, avoid going out, wash your hands and wear masks! love you all and stay strong! <33


	12. chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mentions of self-harm, bullying, physical abuse/harm (?), some derogatory/inappropriate language.

_ The first time Akaashi cut himself was after school, in the boy’s bathroom. It had only been a few weeks since Akaashi had confessed to Bokuto, and already the news had spread like wildfire; the gay, quiet kid confessing to the most popular guy, the volleyball team’s ace, and getting rejected. Although Bokuto had not outright rejected Akaashi, homophobic students in his school were all too eager at the prospect of getting a kick out of Akaashi's misery. Akaashi had blocked Bokuto on all social media and his phone number in case the grey-and-white haired boy ever tried to contact him again. He knew that if he ever spoke to Bokuto again, it would not only be him getting taunted and teased, but that it would affect Bokuto as well.  _

_ The bullying started the day after. The male students who had eavesdropped during Akaashi’s confession approached him while he was alone in the homeroom classroom after school. Unfortunately, Akaashi had solo cleaning duty that day, which meant that he was practically the only student in his grade left at school, meaning that he became an easy target for the bullies. As he was cleaning gum from underneath a desk, he suddenly felt a hand roughly grab him by his shirt collar and yank him up. He saw at least five unfamiliar faces of other male students, probably those who admired Bokuto or had attempted to approach him because of his popularity. _

_ “Look at you,” The one holding him by his collar laughed crudely, “You were already disgusting before, Akaashi, but did you seriously think Bokuto-kun would actually...like you back?” _

_ Laughter broke out from the other students, hollow and cruel, and Akaashi gritted his teeth. _

_ “Did you fantasize about him? Did you touch yourself while thinking of him, you fag?” _

_ The other students only laughed harder, and the student holding Akaashi by his collar yanked him up and threw him to the side viciously. _

_ Akaashi felt his back collide with the hard wall off the classroom and pain ebb through his body, coursing down his spine and the back of his head. Groaning, the black-haired boy winced and sat up, looking up to face the male students that were towering over him. _

_ “Aw, did that hurt? Are you going to scream and cry for help?” One of them cooed condescendingly, sneering in his face.  _

_ “It’s better if I don’t fight back. At least then they’ll get tired of me eventually.” Akaashi thought, blinking his eyes furiously as he willed the tears not to come, “I can bear it.” _

_ “No response?” The male student asked, seemingly displeased by Akaashi’s response. “Guess we’ll have to kick one out of you, huh?”  _

_ The shock came before the pain as the student kicked Akaashi in the stomach, causing a strangled gasp to emit from the black-haired boy’s throat. He felt as though all the oxygen had left his lungs as the pain slowly spread across his torso.  _

_ In that moment, Akaashi accepted the fact that these bullies were on a completely different scale from the kids who had bullied him when he was younger. Although they did beat him up, they were much more innocent, only doing so because he was different and they were not mature enough to understand or accept him for who he was. These students, however, were the same age as him. They kicked him, punched him, strangled him out of pure, bloodthirsty hatred. They had no morals, nor any empathy. They simply wanted to watch him suffer and bleed; they gained pleasure out of wrecking him and breaking him bit by bit. _

_ One week after, Akaashi was sitting on the toilet, looking down at his bruised arms in the dim light. He wanted to convince himself that all the bullying from his childhood had numbed him to such mistreatment, but high school students were much more brutal and merciless in their bullying, beating him until he could no longer stand up and had to crawl around for an hour or two to get around or to leave the school.  _

_ Looking down at his blemished and damaged arms, a sudden thought flitted across his mind.  _

_ “I wonder what the bullies feel like when they see me injured?” _

_ Without thinking, the black-haired boy drew out a pocket-knife from his pencil case in his backpack, which he normally used during Art. _

_ Sliding the blade out of it’s plastic protective sheath, he slowly lowered it to an untouched part of his wrist.  _

_ His heart racing, he slit a small line in one single fluid motion, before quickling sheathing the pocket knife.  _

_ Akaashi watched as blood slowly gushed out of the cut that he had made, dripping down the sides of his arm onto the ceramic tile floor. _

_ “Ah...I see...this is what it feels like…” Akaashi whispered to himself as he watched, entranced, as more crimson liquid spouted from the wound. “It’s...interesting…maybe if I do this to myself...I’ll be more resistant to what they do. I hope doing this can hurt me more than they can...if I can do this to myself, it means I can withstand whatever they do.” _

_ And from that day on, Akaashi continued cutting, making small slits on his arms whenever he could. He never wore short sleeves, not daring to even roll up his long sleeves in hot weather. He knew that the bullying could possibly get even worse if he were to expose his fresh wounds, or that someone would notice and question him about it. _

_ Deep down inside, Akaashi knew what he was doing was so, so wrong, and he knew that if Bokuto knew what he was doing he would be torn. Akaashi blocked Bokuto because he knew that, even if Bokuto didn’t reciprocate his feelings, he would’ve tried to talk to him nevertheless. Akaashi knew that Bokuto still cared for him as a friend. He’d always almost bump into Bokuto, who was constantly seeking him out. Akaashi had gotten better at avoiding him now, determined to keep up his promise of never speaking to the grey-and-white haired boy ever again. If Bokuto found out Akaashi was cutting and getting bullied...he knew that Bokuto would definitely intervene. And if he did intervene, Akaashi would fall all over again for him, and it would become an endless cycle of unrequited love. _

_ No. _

_ Akaashi was satisfied with the way things were. Or so he tried to convince himself. _


	13. chapter 12

Akaashi brushed his finger along the edge of the bedside table, bringing it up to examine the now dust-coated fingertip, to which he brushed against his shirt with disgust. Turning away, he faced the grey-and-white haired man in the hospital bed, whose oxygen mask had been removed a few days ago. The two beings, angel and human, had been staring at each other quietly since Akaashi’s arrival half an hour ago. Since then, neither of them had spoken a single word. 

“The doctor removed my oxygen mask because I was showing signs of extreme recovery and no longer needed medical aid in maintaining my breathing rate.” Bokuto’s deep, somewhat husky voice cut through the deafening silence. 

“I see,” Akaashi responded, blinking. “So...you can talk properly?”

“I can even walk, eat, and run all by myself.” Bokuto murmured, looking down at the white blanket covering his torso, “It’s quite the miracle. Normally, most people who are in a coma for this long forget how to perform daily actions, and have suffered incredible permanent brain damage to the point where they lose a great deal of their memory or forget how to speak.”

The black-haired angel nodded slowly, crossing his arms.

_ Must be the effect of my soul repairing his. _

“Akaashi...are you real?” Boktuo asked after a moment, staring directly into Akaashi’s steel blue eyes.

“I am.” Akaashi replied, biting his lip.

_ Just what am I doing right now? _

“That’s not possible though,” Bokuto responded calmly. “You died in junior high.”

“I did,” Akaashi said, keeping his voice steady to match Bokuto’s. “I’m an Angel.”

“I see…” Bokuto said, turning his gaze so that he was looking out the window.

“You...don’t have any questions?” Akaashi asked, though it sounded more like a surprised statement.

“Have I ever doubted you?” Bokuto sighed, turning back to the black-haired angel. “Whether you’re an illusion right now or not, I don’t not believe you. The Akaashi I knew was always truthful, even though he was quiet.”

“You don’t know me anymore, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said, his voice slightly rough, “How can you be so sure that I’m not lying? That I’m not an illusion?”

Without warning, Bokuto reached up, cupping Akaashi’s face with one hand. 

Shocked, Akaashi stiffened, unable to react.

“Your eyes. Although they’re darkened, they’re not clouded. I can see my reflection in them.” Bokuto muttered, withdrawing his hand and turning away. “You’re not an illusion if I can touch you.”

Akaashi’s eyes widened, as he looked at the grey-and-white haired man with large, round eyes. Unexpectedly, Bokuto chuckled in response.

“There’s that look you gave me when we first met as kids.”

“Ah...you still remember?” Akaashi murmured, his cheeks flushing slightly as he turned away to look at the hospital floor.

“I told you. I remember everything,” Bokuto uttered, tapping his fingers on the side rail as he looked the black-haired angel up and down. “I haven’t forgotten a single thing about you since the day of your death.”

“How...how are you still so calm?” Akaashi asked through gritted teeth as he willed the tears not to come.

Bokuto blinked, smiling softly. “You’re here with me. When you died, I still believed that you were always with me, no matter where I went. Call me insane if you want, but in my darkest times, I always reminded myself that your presence was with me; I could overcome anything with your encouragement.”

It was true. Ever since the day of his death, Akaashi had always looked over Bokuto, staying by his side but not speaking a single word day by day. 

“I thought about you everyday since then,” Bokuto continued, looking wistfully out the window yet again as he spoke. “I guess there was a part of me that was simply just unwilling to accept the fact that you were gone.”

A single tear rolled down Akaashi’s face.

_ Angels never cry. _

But lately, it seemed as though he felt everything five times more than he did before. All his emotions had been magnified.

“Are you in pain?” Akaashi cleared his throat, quickly brushing the tear away as he learned forward in his stool to examine Bokuto’s face.

“Not at all,” Bokuto said. “If anything, my mind is clearer than it ever was before.”

“I see.”

There was another awkward pause, and Akaashi gulped.

_ Is this it? Are we just going to pretend as if we’re casual acquaintances and nothing else for the rest of the time I have left? If so, this was a huge mis- _

“Can you come back to Earth?” Bokuto asked, his golden speckled orbs glistening and reflecting the purple and pink hues of the early sunrise. “As a human, I mean.”

Akaashi didn’t respond, focusing his gaze instead, on the sunrise outside of the window.

“It’s another beautiful day.” The black-haired angel pointed out.

_ How unusual of me to say such a thing. _

Bokuto blinked, the corners of his mouth lifting up in a sad smile, his golden eyes darkened.

“You’re right yet again. You were always one to notice small, beautiful details in this world, when I never could.”

“Is that so?” Akaashi murmured, digging a nail into his palm.

_ That was far from true. If anything, Akaashi thought that it was Bokuto who was always able to be optimistic, always finding the light in every situation no matter how terrible it was.  _

“This is so unlike us, huh?” Bokuto broke the silence again.

“Excuse me?” Akaashi questioned, not sure what the grey-and-white haired man meant.

“Here we are, talking politely to one another as though we weren’t best friends for seven years. Before, we would talk about everything and anything without a care in the world.”

Speechless, Akaashi didn’t reply, as Bokuto laughed.

“It was always me who would rant on and on and on, either about volleyball, school, or other people. You always listened to me, never once complaining.”

“That’s right,” Akaashi smiled. “You always talked so much. Sometimes it was even unbearable.”

The two beings shared a laugh, and for a second, Akaashi felt lighter. 

Then, after the moment passed, his expression darkened as he remembered there would no longer be moments such as these in the future after his death.

Akaashi stood up abruptly, leaning towards the flowers in the vase on the nightstand that were now wilted and decaying. 

“Bokuto-san, I’m going to buy you some new flowers. I’ll be back in the evening.” The black-haired angel muttered, picking them up delicately.

“Akaashi, wait.”

Akaashi turned around on his heel to look at Bokuto, who had leaned forward slightly to face him.

“What is it, Bokuto-san?”

“Do you...mind telling me...why you committed suicide?” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the chapters have been so boring and short lately :(( i've decided to write three more (planned) chapters for this book before finishing it, as i don't really see a point in dragging it on for too long. thank you for all the support!! <33


	14. chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: suicide, self-harm, bullying, physical abuse/harm (?), some derogatory/inappropriate language.

_ It had been half a year since Akaashi had confessed his feelings for Bokuto. Gradually but eventually, the rumors concerning him had died down, to the point where nobody even spared him a second glance in hallways and at school. For this, Akaashi was glad. However, the bullying never ceased; in fact, it only worsened throughout the months. After Akaashi had started cutting, it was not long before the male students bullying him had found out and started attacking him for that too, calling him weak, a sissy, a coward; it never ended. Akaashi had become numb to the pain he received both from cutting and from getting beaten up everyday. He felt sort of saddened by this, as he no longer felt much in particular. His life was the same everyday. Go to school, avoid Bokuto, get kicked and punched. Taken advantage of. There was no point to life anymore, and he could no longer feel anything, whether it be pain inflicted from the bullies or pain inflicted by himself.  _

_ Akaashi knew that Bokuto constantly tried to talk to him. The grey-and-white haired boy was either approaching him, trying to corner him, or trying to call him. Akaashi never responded to him. _

_ Eventually, the physical abuse and cutting started wearing down Akaashi’s physical and mental state, weakening him to the point where he could barely get himself out of bed without feeling dizzy or blacking out. He stopped going to school around mid-May, and would spend days either lying in bed the whole day, falling in out of dreamless sleep, or struggling to get out of bed in order to perform daily tasks such as eating or showering. Many, many times, his home phone rang, to which Akaashi never answered, assuming it was probably his mother calling to ask him to send her some money because she spent too much accidentally, or simply because she needed more of it.  _

_ One day, Akaashi opened his eyes, pulling himself as forcefully as he could out of sleep. Turning slowly to look at the bedside table, he noticed that the digital clock read ‘5:00 AM’. _

_ “Ah...I should take a shower,” The black-haired boy thought to himself, dragging himself slowly out of bed as to avoid blacking out, “I haven’t showered in days.” _

_ Walking slowly to the bathroom and using one hand to prop himself up against the wall, Akaashi stepped onto the white ceramic floor, almost hissing in pain as he felt the cold, almost foreign material against his skin. He turned on the tap in the bath to the hottest setting he possibly could, standing in a forlorn state with his clothing that had grown baggy still on. In just one week he had already lost so much weight from not eating or sleeping properly.  _

_ Once the bath tub had filled to the brim, he stepped into the scalding hot water, sinking himself into and sighing. _

_ The water was so hot to the point where it could probably blister his skin. Still, he felt nothing. _

_ “What’s the point of anything anymore?” Akaashi wondered, sliding down into the water and submerging the lower half of his face. “The most I can feel at all is from cutting. And if I keep cutting...eventually I’ll die.” _

_ He looked up at the ceiling, through the skylight. Sunrise had already commenced, leaving behind dashes of dark blue and black to be smudged with rays of violet and orange. Wispy clouds covered brightly shining stars that still illuminated the ever changing sky. _

_ “How beautiful.” Akaashi murmured, stretching a single hand out of the water towards the skylight. “If I die...will I miss seeing the small enrapturing sights such as these?” _

_ Akaashi sighed, closing his eyes.  _

_ He had witnessed many beautiful things with Bokuto; falling stars, sunrises and sunsets, first tastes of coffee, the simplicity of homemade food, kindness, appreciation...love. _

_ “If I die, will I have to give those memories up?” _

_ A thought suddenly struck Akaashi. _

_ “Will I finally feel something? Relief? Happiness, to be rid of this life? Last-minute despair? Even more emptiness than I already feel?” _

_ Blinking, Akaashi reached into the pocket of his shorts and took out the pocket knife, observing how the normally shiny blade seemed to appear a dull grey in the water.  _

_ He then looked at the many cuts on both his arms. There were so many, all in a line in an almost organized manner; it was almost impossible to see the original pale porcelain color of his formerly unblemished skin.  _

_ Akaashi loved beautiful things, but that was not all; he felt as though he could find beauty in anything, or anyone. Wilted flowers, abandoned kittens, run-down houses; but when he looked at himself in the mirror, he could not find a single thing to appreciate. He was so very ugly and empty that there was simply nothing to admire.  _

_ When the black-haired boy first met Bokuto, he learned, in that very instant, the true definition of ‘beauty’. Bokuto was glowing and alive. Akaashi, on the other hand, was nothing but a lifeless shell of a boy who had once been loved and who once had a family. After meeting Bokuto, he decided that there was a reason after all to live. To appreciate the small, beautiful things in life. But how could he do so now that he himself was withered and rotten? _

_ Tears fell down Akaashi’s face.  _

_ He had ruined the relationship with the only thing, the only person, that he had ever found valuable. The only person that kept him alive.  _

_ What was the point of living anymore? _

_ Without thinking, he unsheathed the pocket knife, slicing one large line through the middle of all of his cuts on both of his arms, watching as crimson-colored liquid bled out, creating red clouds in the water.  _

_ He felt nothing, not even a tiny ounce of pain. _

_ As Akaashi looked up to the skylight once again as he felt blood gush from the wounds he had made; red-colored blots of ink in the once clear water. He smiled.  _

_ “Despite my life being worthless now, I have been lucky to experience so many beautiful things with the most beautiful person by my side. How was it even possible that such a kind, warm, exciting person like Bokuto-san befriended me in the first place?” _

_ Black dots started to appear in Akaashi’s vision and he started to feel dizzy. _

_ “Bokuto-san...thank you,” Akaashi whispered with all the energy he had left. “Thank you...and goodbye.” _

_ And everything turned black. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support i've received on yesterday's chapter! you guys have inspired me so much that i decided to write this chapter today :)) i'm sorry this book is incredibly dark and angsty though...i really wanted to make akaashi's character one that could be pitied and understood by the readers. hope you all understand! <33
> 
> p.s although i did put a trigger warning for this chapter, if you read this chapter and feel unwell or if this encourages anything then i sincerely apologize. this is, in no way, an encouragement of suicide or cutting. if you are feeling suicidal, please use the following link to access a suicide hotline in your area. 
> 
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> on a brighter note, hope you are all staying safe and well! much love xx


	15. chapter 14

A sudden flash of pain woke Akaashi and he startled awake with a jolt. Sitting upright in his bed, he groaned, clutching at his side. He had heard of the unexplainable pain that Fallen Angels felt, but he imagined this would be far, far worse. A very sharp ache had developed in the side of his ribcage, near where his heart would’ve been if he had been human. The ache was so deep that he felt jolts of pain run down every inch, nook and crevice of his body when he did so much as stand up to stretch. 

Gritting his teeth so as to restrict himself from being too loud in the dead of night, Akaashi slowly slid out of bed, willing himself to bear the pain. He stretched his wings slightly, reaching behind himself and gently pulling it so that he could examine its condition. The feathers that had formerly been a cloud-colored vibrant white had now turned a dull, matte black; a similar color to the ever-growing odd bruises scattered across his body.

_ How long do I have left? _

Akaashi had lost count of the days.

After sharing a conversation with Bokuto at the hospital, he had not returned since; nor had he told Bokuto why he had comitted suicide.

_ I must go visit Atsumu. _

Stumbling and staggering out of his room, Akaashi walked slowly to the kitchen to fetch himself a glass of water before flying down to Earth. As he approached the kitchen, he noticed Yamaguchi was standing looking through the fridge, completely unaware of the black-haired angel’s presence.

Akaashi opened his mouth to greet the green-haired angel, but before words could come out, he suddenly felt yet another pulse of dizzying pain coarse through his veins. Groaning, Akaashi fell onto the floor of the kitchen with a thump, failing to keep himself upright. 

Yamaguchi jumped, startled, before his eyes widened. “Akaashi-san!” 

Rushing over to him, Yamaguchi gently swung Akaashi’s arm around his shoulder as he lifted him to his feet as slowly and gently as he could.

“Akaashi-san...are you okay?” Yamaguchi whispered as to not disturb the other angels, his face filled with concern and worry.

“I’ve been better,” Akaashi smiled weakly. 

“Don’t speak too much. Here, sit down. I’ll get you a glass of water.”

Seating the black-haired angel down on a nearby chair, Yamaguchi grabbed a glass out of the sink and rinsed it briefly before filling it with tap water and handing it quickly to Akaashi.

“Thank you, Tadashi.” Akaashi said gratefully, gulping down the water and feeling some of the dryness and scratchiness of his throat disappear.

“What’s there to thank me for?” Yamaguchi murmured, crouching down next to the seat and looking up at Akaashi, “Anyone would’ve done the same.”

There was a moment of silence as Akaashi finished his water, before he spoke again.

“Tadashi...I don’t have much time left.”

“What?” Yamaguchi asked, snapping his head to look at Akaashi.

“I’m going to die soon...and for good this time,” Akaashi chuckled sadly, tightening his grip on the glass in both his hands. “Please...you’ve done me a huge favour by not telling the others. But please...only tell them I’ve fallen after I’m truly gone. You’ll know when I’m gone; I’ll leave a feather from my wings on my nightstand. When it’s gone, I’m gone.”

“Akaashi-san...no…” Yamaguchi whispered, tears brimming in his eyes. “What are we going to do…?”

“What can we do?” Akaashi sighed, turning to face Yamaguchi and putting on the most convincing smile he could muster. “Tadashi...you’ve been such a good friend to me. I’m sorry for burdening you so.”

“Don’t say that!” Yamaguchi almost shouted, standing to his feet. “You’ve never been a burden to me!”

When Akaashi didn’t reply, Yamaguchi frowned. 

“I’m so happy that you trusted me to keep your deal a secret.”

Akaashi turned to look at Yamaguchi with a surprised expression.

“Akaashi-san...you helped me as well. You were never discouraging about Kei. You always gave me advice. I’m only doing my part as a friend.”

_ A friend...huh? _

Blinking, Akaashi stood up abruptly, ignoring the blistering white-hot pain that jabbed at his spine, and pulled Yamaguchi into a hug. 

“W-What?” Yamaguchi stammered, shocked.

After a few seconds of silence, Akaashi pulled away.

“Thank you for everything, Tadashi.” Akaashi murmured. “I was never a good enough friend to you. But you’ve always been so empathetic and understanding.”

Blinking, the black-haired angel set the glass down on the table.

“I’ll be on my way. This is probably the last you’ll ever see of me.” Akaashi murmured. “But I’ll never forget your kindness, even after I die.”

Looking out the kitchen door at the balcony where the wispy clouds were gathering around it, Akaashi sighed.

“If we are to be re-born one day, I hope that we’ll meet again.”

Akaashi rounded the corner to approach the dark alleyway in which he had first met Atsumu. Although that had only been about three weeks ago, he felt as though it had been ages. 

“Atsumu!” Akaashi called, his voice low and scratchy from trying to hold back yelps of pain as every step shook him to his core.

“You’re back, Keiji-kun.” A velvety smooth voice spoke from behind him, and Akaashi turned around to face the source.

The wound in which Akaashi had caused by punching Atsumu in the face had completely healed, and the devil looked slightly plumper with somewhat of a healthy sheen to his glowing exterior.

_ Asshole. That was all mine before he sucked it out of me. Though I did agree to it. _

Groaning, Akaashi clutched at his side as pain ran up and down his ribcage.

“You...how much time do I have left?” Akaashi hissed through clenched teeth.

“Oh? You didn’t keep count?” Atsumu replied, and Akaashi did not fail to notice the sadistic glint in the devil’s crimson orbs. 

“Just...tell...me...you...bastard.” The black-haired angel panted. 

“You should say your goodbyes now,” Atsumu carried on, smirking down at the crumpled angel. “You only have a day left.”


	16. chapter 15

Akaashi sat down on the wooden stool next to the hospital bed with a dull thump. Lifting up the grey sweater that was loose on his body, he noticed that the black bruises had spread so far across his torso and his chest that barely an inch of the formerly pale white skin was left. Only a few hundred black feathers were left on the skinny frame of his wings which now closely resembled that of a dead, rotting bird’s. Lifting up a hand and trying to ignore the searing pain that ran down his arm and through his body, he tapped Bokuto gently to rouse him.

“Bokuto-san.” Akaashi whisper-croaked.

The grey-and-white haired man slowly opened his eyes, focusing them slowly on Akaashi’s hunched over, shadowy figure. 

“Akaashi...you came back!” Bokuto exclaimed, wincing as he tried to sit up. Akaashi reached over to support him, trying to ignore the bright smile that Bokuto had on his face.

“Yes...I did.” Akaashi murmured, digging his thumb into his palm.

_ I’m sorry Bokuto-san.  _

“You haven’t come back in three weeks,” Bokuto said. “I thought you’d never come back.”

Akaashi grimaced, before sighing.

“Bokuto-san, I-”

“You won’t disappear again will you, Akaashi?”

There was a moment of silence, and Akaashi frowned.

“Bokuto-san, why did you wait for me?”

“What?” Bokuto sat upright, surprised. “What’s that supposed to mean?”   
“I’m telling you to stop waiting for me.” Akaashi said, firmer this time as he tried to ignore the ache in his heart. “I won’t be coming back after this.”

_ I want to come back. Trust me, I do. _

“What, why?” Bokuto whispered, his eyes round with sadness. “You just came back…”   
“Why do you care if I’m back or not?” Akaashi growled. “We’re not even friends anymore.”

_ No. You’ll always be my best friend. Why am I doing this? _

“What?” The look in Bokuto’s face pained Akaashi. “How could you say that…?”

“I’m not even _ alive _ , Bokuto-san. We haven’t talked for so long. How does that make us anything more than acquaintances? If anything-”

“Stop.” Bokuto spoke abruptly, cutting Akaashi off. “This isn’t like you.”   
“You don’t even know me anymore!” Akaashi snapped, raising his voice. 

His sharp voice resonated in the room, and both of them stared at each other in shock.

_ I’ve done it now. _

A few minutes passed, and Bokuto shifted over and brushed Akaashi’s cheek with his thumb.

“What’s wrong, Akaashi?” Bokuto whispered, concerned.

“What? Nothing’s wrong. This is just how I feel.” Akaashi stammered.

“But you’re crying.”

_ I’m crying? _

Bokuto withdrew his hand, and Akaashi noticed that his thumb was wet.

_ I’m...crying? _ _   
_ Reaching up quickly, Akaashi felt the pads of his fingertips come into contact with a wet liquid.

Hastily wiping aways his tears, Akaashi turned away.

“I’m not crying.”

“Yes you are.” 

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

More tears welled up in Akaashi’s eyes, and finally, he snapped. He burst into tears, using his arm to cover his face as he wept, heaving. 

_ Why? _

“Akaashi…” Bokuto murmured sadly, taking Akaashi’s other hand in his and stroking it comfortingly. 

“I don’t want to leave, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi sobbed as large round teardrops fell down his face and dripped onto his pants. “I want to stay by your side forever. But I can’t. And it fucking hurts.”

“Why do you have to leave?” Bokuto asked softly, gently pulling Akaashi’s arm away from his face and wiping away the tears that had formed on the black-haired angel’s flushed cheeks. 

“I can’t tell you that.” Akaashi cried, blinking his eyes furiously in a vain attempt to contain his tears.

“Why can’t you tell me?” The grey-and-white haired man asked gently.

“It’ll hurt you. And you’ll never forgive me.” Akaashi replied, sniffling.

“It doesn’t matter if it hurts me.” Bokuto sighed. “And I’ll forgive you, no matter what it is.”

Brushing away the tears on Akaashi’s face, Bokuto smiled. 

“Silly Akaashi. Always caring about others before himself.”

Akaashi sniffed, calming down slightly as he looked down at Bokuto. 

“Bokuto-san…” Akaashi whispered, to which Bokuto nodded. “I can’t ever come back after I see you for the last time today.”

“Tell me why.” Bokuto coaxed.

Akaashi took a deep breath, steadying himself.

_ This is it. No more secrets. _

“I...dealt my soul to a devil for your recovery.”

Bokuto drew his hand away sharply. “What? What does that mean?”

Akaashi clenched his hand into a fist. “A month ago, I met a devil. He told me that you were going to die unless I used my soul to heal yours. So I signed a deal with him. He said that I had one month left, and when the time limit ended…”

“You’d...die? Again?” Bokuto whispered, to which Akaashi nodded.

“Akaashi...please...tell me that’s not true. Tell me you’re joking.” Bokuto stuttered, drawing back into the hospital bed, his eyes starting to water. “Akaashi, tell me you’re joking!”

Akaashi bit his lip, staring down at the floor, and Bokuto covered his mouth with his hand.

“Akaashi, why would you do that?!” Bokuto asked, his voice quieter than ever before. 

“Because I love you.”

“What?” 

“I love you, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi murmured, surprising himself as he spoke. “Even after we stopped talking, even after I lived for four years as an angel...I have never stopped loving you.” 

A single tear fell down Bokuto’s face as he stared at Akaashi without uttering a single word. 

“I have been by your side all these years, even in my death, watching over you, missing you like hell. Even so, I desperately tried to convince myself that I didn’t love you. That I didn’t want to return to Earth as a human. But I knew, deep down, that all I really desired was to come back to Earth and give myself another chance. Another chance to make you happy. Another chance to be a better friend. But instead...things turned out like this.”

Akaashi paused, biting back a wail of pain as he almost doubled over from the jab of white-hot shock that ran down his spine. 

“I fucked up, Bokuto. And I’m so sorry that we lost the close friendship that we had all because of my selfishness and my desire to be loved back by someone who didn’t even view me in that light. When the devil told me you were going to die, I ‘took some time’ to think about what to do, but the instant that he said that, I had already decided that I was going to do whatever I could to save you; I couldn’t let myself fuck up a second time.”

Another bout of pain seared through him, and he couldn't help but let out a faint cry. Gritting his teeth and willing himself to ignore the pain, Akaashi continued.

“Bokuto-san...I would do anything for you. Ever since we met at the age of eight, I only had eyes for you. You were the only person who meant something to me, you were my most valuable treasure, the best thing in this shitty life. The one person who kept me going. Even though I killed myself...I have never stopped loving you. Not even for a minute-no, a second.”

The pain suddenly disappeared, and Akaashi felt himself growing light-headed. His vision started to double, and he felt weak.

_ Ah... so this is what it feels like. The bittersweet relief of death. _

“Bokuto-san, you saved me when I thought there was no hope left in this world. I’m simply returning the favour.”

Akaashi wiped a tear out of the corner of his eye as he gazed down at the horrified, tear-streaked face of Bokuto. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you. I will never be able to say that enough. But I love you, so much. If we were born again...would it be greedy of me to wish that you and I would still know each other and that I would still love you?” 

Akaashi sighed, closing his eyes and opening them again, taking in Bokuto for the last time. His glowing, golden eyes that were shiny with tears, his grey-and-white hair that Akaashi initially found so peculiar, his broad shoulders...his large, calloused hands. 

“I have no regrets.” Akaashi whispered, smiling. “I will always love you, even when I’m gone, Bokuto Kōtarō.”

With that last sentence, Akaashi’s body started to disappear, crumbling into small, fine black particles that disappeared into thin air.

“W-What? Akaashi? Akaashi?” Bokuto stammered, rising up out of the bed and trying to grasp Akaashi, only for the black-haired angel’s body to scatter into black dust in his hands.

“Akaashi? Akaashi? Where are you going?” Bokuto cried, desperately trying to grab him. “Akaashi! Akaashi come back!”

_ Goodbye, Bokuto-san. Please be healthy. _

“No! No! Akaashi!” Bokuto wailed, hot tears streaking down his face uncontrollably, “Akaashi! Please don’t leave!”

The last remaining black particles disappeared, and Bokuto drew back in shock.

“Akaashi?” Bokuto whispered in horror. “Akaashi?”

There was no response, and Bokuto sat in shock for a few seconds, taking in everything that he had witnessed.

“No! Akaashi!” The grey-and-white haired man screamed, gripping the side rail of his hospital bed as he heaved, violently sobbing. “Akaashi! Akaashi, please come back!”

Cries racked his shuddering body, and Bokuto collapsed on the side rail, clenching his fingers around the wooden stool. 

“I love you too! I’ve always loved you, so come back! I’m sorry! Please don’t leave again! Please don’t leave me!” Bokuto bawled, his eyes so filled with thick tears that he could barely see.

While he grieved and howled, a small breeze blew in from the open window, causing an object on the wooden stool to be lifted into the air for a brief moment before settling back down slowly on the surface of the chair.

Lying on the wooden stool, was a single black feather. 

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading my fanfic! i hope this has brought somewhat of a distraction to those in quarantine right now. i have definitely enjoyed the experience of writing this fanfic and am tremendously grateful for all the support i've received! it also pains me to end akaashi's journey in this way, but i wanted to really portray him as a pitiful character who was bound to be misfortunate for the very start. i think this book truly highlights the importance of honesty and transparency in a relationship, and i hope you guys think so too!! it is unlikely that i will be writing another long fanfic based off of this au, because i've already written one for oikawa (iwaoi, fall for me on my wattpad) and this one for akaashi (bokuaka). the other characters are far too minor for me to write a detailed fic about. i may be interested in posting one-shots in the future though, so never say never ;)  
> this is the last chapter of the book, but i am, however, posting an epilogue, which gives a very interesting insight on bokuto's perspective of the story, which i hope you'll check out.  
> anyways, thank you all again for reading this! i hope to write more in the future, love you all! xx


	17. epilogue

Bokuto wandered down the path to his home. He was still quite unfamiliar with the neighbourhood as he had just moved here with his mother, and after wandering around for at least a couple of hours, he had finally found the recognizable cream-colored walls of his house.

“Jeez.” The nine-year old boy murmured, shivering as he ran his arms up and down the sides of his parka jacket in an attempt to keep himself warm. “It’s so cold. I better hurry home!” 

Skipping down the path and almost tripping over the uneven pavement, Bokuto noticed a boy walking in front of, carrying a plastic bag that looked heavy. 

The boy’s black, slightly curly locks were unfamiliar to Bokuto, and the grey-and-white haired boy felt pity as he stared as the other boy’s thin build. He was only wearing a thin jacket and shorts, and he was clutching his side and wheezing slightly as he walked.

_ Isn’t he cold? _

“Well, I better go say hi if I want to get to know everyone in this neighbourhood.” Bokuto decided, running to catch up to the boy.

“Hey! You!” Bokuto called.

The black-haired boy turned around, shocked and a hint of fear in his expression. 

_ Oh! That must be Akaashi, the boy who lives next door alone! I’ve heard about him from the other kids! _

“Akaashi-san! It’s nice to meet you!” Bokuto exclaimed, extending his hand out to shake the other boy’s hand.

Stiff as a board, the black-haired boy looked Bokuto up-and-down, shaking slightly, to which Bokuto raised an eyebrow at. Glancing down at the boy’s thin arms, Bokuto noticed that the boy’s small frail hands were caked in dirt and covered in cuts and bruises.

“Your hand!” Boktuo frowned, grabbing the boy’s hand from his side and examining it. “It’s all scraped and covered in dirt!”

Still speechless, the black-haired boy blinked, to which Bokuto sighed before grabbing him gently by the wrist.

“Wha-where are we going?” The boy spoke for the first time, panic laced in his soft, quiet voice.

_ Wow! What a nice-sounding voice! _

“To my house!” Bokuto replied, like it was very obvious.

There was a moment of silence, before Akaashi spoke again.

“Nevermind that, why are you taking me to your house?” Akaashi demanded, wriggling slightly in Bokuto’s grip.

“Why?” Bokuto stopped abruptly, almost causing Akaashi to fall over. “Because you’re hurt of course. And you look like you’re in pain. So I want to help you!”

_ Is Akaashi like, super slow or something? _

Akaashi stopped struggling, and Bokuto led him into the living room and sat him down on a nearby chair.

“Wait here while I go look for bandages, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Bokuto dashed off, excited at the prospect of making a new friend. The kids on the playground were cool and everything, but they were very mean to people they didn’t like. Of course, they took an immediate liking to Bokuto, but the grey-and-white haired boy always noticed how they picked on Akaashi whenever they had the opportunity to, which made him sick to his stomach.

_ Kids like that are the worst! _

Tiptoeing to grab the first aid kit on top of the dresser in his mom’s bedroom, Bokuto ran out as quickly as he could, plopping it down next to Akaashi, who still looked confused and scared.

“Ah! It’s fine, it’s nothing! You didn’t have to get all of this out for me…” Akaashi trailed off, looking down at Bokuto who was already unscrewing the lid off of a tube of ointment.

Bokuto gently took one of Akaashi’s hands and applied ointment onto the worst cuts and scratches.

“Um...excuse me…” The black-haired boy murmured shyly, to which Bokuto instantly raised his head to face him.   
“Yes, Akaashi-san?”

“May I ask what your name is?” Akaashi asked, averting Bokuto’s gaze.

“I’m Bokuto! Bokuto Kōtarō! And you’re Akaashi Keiji, right?” Bokuto smiled.

“You know my first name…?” Akaashi spoke, and Bokuto nodded eagerly.   
“Of course! Everyone knows your name around the neighbourhood!”

“Why are you helping me, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi murmured, drooping his head.“Aren’t you afraid? Or disgusted? Just like the others?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bokuto asked, cocking his head in confusion.

Akaashi looked up to face Bokuto, and the grey-and-white haired boy couldn’t help but notice the beautiful steel-blue tint of Akaashi’s irises.

_ Wow...pretty eyes. _

“Uh...I…” Akaashi stuttered.

“Because you’re gay?” Bokuto asked, looking down to grab the cloth bandages as he slowly wrapped them around Akaashi’s left hand. “What’s wrong with being gay? There’s nothing wrong with it. You can’t change who you are, right? And who cares who you like? No matter who you love in the future, you should love that person with all your heart right? I’m done wrapping your hands, by the way.”

Bokuto smiled as reassuringly as he could, and patted Akaashi on the head.

“I’m not scared or grossed out, Akaashi-san! So you shouldn’t be either, otherwise we can’t be friends that way! We have to like and dislike the same things, after all.”

Akaashi was speechless, looking down at Bokuto, his eyes lighting up slightly.

“It was those stupid kids in the playground, right? The ones who tried to beat you up?” Bokuto asked, to which Akaashi nodded slowly.

_ No wonder he’s scared stiff! _

A strange warm feeling flooded through Bokuto, and he grabbed both of Akaashi’s hands in his, much to the black-haired boy’s surprise.

“Don’t you worry Akaashi.” Bokuto said, his voice solemn. “I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you’re happy. I’ll always protect you.”

The room was stuffy, and Bokuto groaned quietly, rolling over to one side. 

“It’s too hot to be able to sleep comfortably...how is Akaashi sleeping?” The grey-and-white haired man thought as he gazed down at Akaashi and the gentle rise and fall of his chest underneath the somewhat thick and uncomfortable looking blanket. 

“Akaashi?” Boktuo whispered softly.

No response. Bokuto sighed, rolling over to face Akaashi. 

Moonlight from the glass window cast shadows across Akaashi’s face, making his facial features more defined and noticeable, to which Bokuto smiled at.

“Now that I think about it...you were always so beautiful,” Bokuto murmured as quietly as he could as to not rouse Akaashi. “Guys are more used to being called handsome, right? But you’re far more than that.”

Bokuto’s eyes traced the features on Akaashi’s face, from his high nose to his pale skin that was similar to that of a porcelain china doll’s, so beautiful and pale, but easy to cut and bruise. His small lips, which would, every now and then, curve it a small soft smile that made Bokuto’s heart skip a beat. But what Bokuto loved most about Akaashi was his eyes. He had never seen such alluring, sorrowful eyes before on anyone. He remembered when he first met Akaashi that the latter’s eyes were matte and dull, void of emotion. But when Bokuto talked to the black-haired boy, he remembered Akaashi’s eyes lighting up; and in those short moments, Akaashi’s steel-blue orbs shone brighter than the sun. When Akaashi was happy, the steel-blue color of his irises seemed more like a light blue color, similar to that of the sky. Bokuto was almost breathless when he first saw them; and he was proud to know that no one but  _ him  _ was able to make Akaashi’s eyes glint like that. Long, long black eyelashes curled over Akaashi’s eyes, fluttering whenever he blinked. Although Bokuto never told him, Akaashi’s beauty was one that he had never, ever seen in anyone else. Not only on the outside, but on the inside too.

Although Akaashi never spoke much and was not great at expressing emotion, Bokuto often found Akaashi leaving little sticky notes on his books, reminders of things Bokuto had complained about not understanding in class, leaving money on Bokuto’s classroom chair and telling him to buy more to eat, laying his school jacket over Bokuto’s head to block the blinding light coming in from the window when Bokuto took naps. Bokuto also never told Akaashi that he truly appreciated what he was doing, as Akaashi seemed as though he didn’t want his kindness to be figured out. But Bokuto knew otherwise.

Bokuto knew that he had fallen in love with Akaashi since the day they met when they were both eight. He never dared to tell the black-haired boy because he knew for sure that Akaashi would never feel the same way; Although Akaashi was gay, he simply showed interest in no one in particular. Bokuto didn’t want to ruin their treasured relationship, so he simply kept his mouth shut, silently loving Akaashi from afar and doing the best he could to make him happy.

Lately, Akaashi had been avoiding Bokuto, but the grey-and-white haired boy had no idea why.

“Did I do something wrong…?” Bokuto muttered to himself, clenching his fist. “Darnit! It must’ve been because I talked too much! This won’t do; I’m going to find him and talk to him.”

Marching down the school hallway, Bokuto caught Akaashi leaving his classroom. 

“Akaashi!” Bokuto called.

Akaashi turned around, his eyes widening in shock. He turned and walked away abruptly.

“Akaashi!” Bokuto called again. “Maybe he didn’t hear me?” 

Bokuto ran after Akaashi until the black-haired boy turned a corner and ended up a dead end.

“Akaashi!” Bokuto paned, wiping sweat from his brow. “There you are! Man, you walk fast!”

Akaashi didn’t respond, turning away and avoiding catching Bokuto’s gaze, to which Bokuto frowned.

“Akaashi, why have you been avoiding me? We haven’t talked in weeks!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What?!” Bokuto exclaimed incredulously, “The last conversation we had, I said ‘hi Akaashi!’ and you said ‘hello, Bokuto-san’ and just walked away!” 

Bokuto was met with silence, and he sighed.

“Look, Akaashi...did I do something? Did I say something to upset you?”

Silence again.

“Akaashi, I don’t want to lose you. It’s only been a few months that we haven’t talked, but if you keep distancing yourself from me, we’re going to end up never talking again!” Bokuto continued, feeling sadder as Akaashi looked down at his shoes. “And I don’t want that; you’re my best friend.”

_ You mean more to me than a best friend. _

More silence.

Bokuto noticed that Akaashi was starting to look even more upset, and he wondered if he had been too harsh in his approach.

“Akaashi, please just tell me what you're hiding.” Bokuto pleaded gently. “Please tell me. I won’t judge you, no matter what you say.”

Still silence.

“Please, Akaashi?” Bokuto begged.

Akaashi gulped, took a deep breath, and looked up to face Bokuto. The emotion in his eyes stunned Bokuto.

“Bokuto-san…”

“Yes? What is it, Akaashi?”

“Bokuto-san, I’m in love with you.”

_ Huh…? _

Bokuto felt a rush of cold air brush past him as he stared at the black-haired boy in shock. 

“I’m in love with you, Bokuto-san.” 

Bokuto flinched slightly, surprised by the intensity at which Akaashi spoke.

The black-haired boy’s eager expression changed to a downcast expression, which Bokuto almost cried at.

“Akaashi...I…” Bokuto stammered, his voice shaking slightly, and Akaashi grimaced.

_ I love you too. _

“Ha...well I expected you to reply like that, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said quietly, tears forming in his eyes. “But it’s alright. I’ll never bother you again.”

Shoving past the grey-and-white haired boy, Akaashi ran away down the hallway, leaving Bokuto frozen in place.

“Wait…? What…?” Bokuto muttered, still shocked. “Wait..no! That’s not what I meant!”

Bokuto turned around, about to take off after the black-haired boy who had dashed away, but came face to face with three students in his class who were snickering and yelling insults.

“Hey...what the hell do you think you guys are doing?” Bokuto growled, to which the three students seemed to retract into their clothes out of fear.

“W-Well...he’s just so stupid...to think he can go after you...Bokuto-kun-”

“That’s Bokuto-san to you.” Bokuto replied coldly, his gaze piercing into that of the student’s. “What makes you think you can say that shit about my best friend?”

“Well...it just seems so stupid of him to be in love with someone like you, right…? I mean...he’s gay and everything, did he even think he had a ch-”

Before the student could finish his sentence, Bokuto had grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and started punching him in the face.

All he could see was crimson, red bleeding out of every corner of his sight as he punched the student over and over again.

“How dare you say such fucking bullshit about him! Just because he’s gay means he’s different?! If it was a girl, you fucking cowards wouldn’t have said shit! But because he’s gay, you pick on him?! I fucking hate people like you. You think you’re better than other people, but deep down inside, guess what? You’re lonely. You’re desperate. You have no one. So you pick on people who are vulnerable. Oh, the sheer hypocrisy!” 

In the end, it took three students and a teacher to haul Bokuto off the shaking student, who’s bruised and bloody face shook in fear.

“Fuck you. Fuck all the homophobic assholes in this school. I hope you burn in hell.” Bokuto spat. 

Bokuto sat on the straw mat at the funeral centre, gazing up at the picture of Akaashi sitting on top of the coffin. After Akaashi had confessed, Bokuto hadn’t seen or spoken to him since. He tried multiple times to call Akaashi or text him, but the black-haired boy never replied. Bokuto was crushed; he had desperately wanted to tell Akaashi that he felt the same way, and he wished he reacted in a better way than he had. Half a year and a little bit more, Akaashi had been found dead in his house by the mailman. The police had ruled it as suicide. Bokuto hadn’t cried. For two weeks following Akaashi’s death, he hadn’t cried. Even now, sitting in front of the coffin, Bokuto wasn’t crying.

_ “Bokuto-san, wear this jacket...you might get sick. And then you won’t be able to go to your volleyball games.” _

_ “Alright, thanks Akaashi!” _

_ “Bokuto-san...look at this flower.” _

_ “What’s so good about it? It’s dead.” Bokuto asked, to which Akaashi laughed softly. _

_ “Look at the shape of the petals.” Akaashi pointed, to which Bokuto followed his finger. “It was once a very beautiful flower. It’s rare to have petals shaped in this way. And look at the color; it’s not a very dark pink, which means it was a light pink before.” _

_ “Woah...that’s cool how you can see all of that!” Bokuto exclaimed, and Akaashi smiled. _

_ “Thanks to you, Bokuto-san, I can see many beautiful things now.” _

_ “Bokuto-san...your eyes are beautiful.” _

_ “Eh...a man shouldn’t really be called beautiful.” _

_ “But they are!” Akaashi protested, to which Bokuto laughed and patted him affectionately on the head. _

_ “You find many things beautiful.” _

_ “But none as beautiful as your eyes.” Akaashi smiled. _

_ “Bokuto-san...I love you.” _

_ Why didn’t I say it back right there and then? _

_ Why? _

_ Why? _

Tears started to form in Bokuto’s eyes as he gazed longer at the picture of Akaashi. 

“I’m sorry Akaashi…” Bokuto trembled. “I’m sorry I didn’t know about the bullying. I’m sorry I didn’t physically force you to talk to me when you were being hurt. I’m sorry I didn’t know that you were in pain and that you needed help. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Bokuto sobbed, clutching at his chest as cries racked his body.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I loved you. If we were born again...would it be greedy of me to wish that you and I would still know each other and that I would still love you?” 


End file.
